The Voice of Denial

A friend and I were having lunch the other day and regaling over the times in our lives we had been lost in a state of denial.  More succinctly, we were lamenting over the consequences. We each agreed that we had learned a great deal from those experiences but wondered at human frailty. As I left the luncheon, I had to admit there are simply times in life when we, as humans, talk ourselves out of what our gut is trying to tell us. What keeps us so stubbornly locked into our perspective, even when doing so can hurt us or others?

I really began thinking about the times I have been in denial. I had to admit at those times I was simply, at some level, being dishonest with myself. As I look back, part of the denial was a blindfold made from hope. I always hoped for the best, even when I was making the worst decisions. I somehow thought that if I did things the same way I had always done things, I would find my way out of the mess I found myself in. Benjamin Franklin is attributed for giving insanity this definition. And “insane” I have been at times in my life. I have to admit that my own moments of denial have taken me into a mental maze…a maze of my own making. The walls of my maze were built of misperceptions, misconceptions, and rules that simply were outdated and inappropriate, leading me to feelings of disenchantment and defeat. Things only changed for me when I decided the truth was safer than the denial.

So, I became the foreman of my own mental wrecking crew! BUT…I also learned the value of being kind to myself. There is a great deal to be gained in personal compassion, it leaks out to others! I think denial is built on false principles…lots of misinformation piled high that hangs around in our subconscious. Its voice speaks to us loudly, especially when we are aimed at something we thing we must have, must do. Remember that maze I built? I got out my shears and trimmed it down to nothing. I am moving cautiously forward these days. And just in case, I am keeping my shears nearby in case another denial starts growing up around me.  

The Voice of Will Power

Will power. It doesn't work. I wish I could just leave it at that, but will power is something that has never been effective. Maybe it works as we push ourselves over the finish line of a marathon, but it is totally ineffective off the starting block. I have yet to see it effectuate long lasting change in anyone at a deep level. It may work over a short period of time...and sometimes it is a great kick start toward true transformation. Like a spark plug that ignites the engine. But I think of the many times in my own life, when my spark plug of will has powered me into action...and then, just as quickly, my will ran out of gas and I powered right back to doing things the way I had always done them.
I think I was confused; I truly believed that I could force myself to do anything. Exercise, diet, meditate, drink 8 glasses of water day...if I could just MAKE myself do it...then I would be changed. If I powered up that "should do”... and if I engaged in the exercise of doing it without question, then I would find peace in my soul and harmony in my world. It didn't work. It doesn't work. The world has been powered by "will" for so long I understand why we all buy into it as the way of change. I cannot tell you when it happened for me but I think this awareness has been evolving for a very long time. It was not a flash of light, more like the sun coming up over the horizon that allowed me to see will power for what it is. I think it came because I finally slowed down long enough to acknowledge that what I was doing was not working. I began paying attention to the life I am living.

If being present when I am with someone I love is the most precious gift I can give another, then being present with myself is the greatest healer. In presence, I have slowed down long enough to feel the pain of my misconceptions and therein I found my greatest motivation for change. When I accepted that I cannot digest gluten, that it made me ill when I ate it, it was easy to choose a better diet. When I realized that to grow older in a healthier way was achieved with exercise, then my yoga, my swimming, and my exercise program was something I looked forward to doing. When I realized that my thinking was shaped by the world instead of my heart, I was able to easily let go of false concepts and perceptions. Will power has its place, but when my will was being powered, I always felt at war with life. I have thrown in the towel, raised the white flag and surrendered. When the dust settled I found peace and the actions I now take in my life make sense to me. THAT is the kind of truce I can live with.

The Voice of Assumption

      Assumptions are built on presumptions…and presumptions are the threads of tangled misunderstandings that assumptions are built upon. Presumptions seem to breed like rabbits. Once one presumes anything, our mind is masterful at creating more and more and more…and before you know it…WHAM…we are lost in one big assumption!! Once recognized that a misunderstanding has occurred based upon assumptions made, it leaves a nasty aftertaste of dirty show leather in my mouth! And even though my mom told me that “God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt!” I don’t like that kind of dirty taste. Sometimes assumptions are harmless and funny and other times feel more like an accident with two cars at an intersection, each turning without awareness and crashing into each other. If you have not heard the term let me remind or share: When I assume I make an ass out of u and me!

I am a right brained person. Apparently, the right brain is the creative part of me. It is what allows me to write (gratefully so) and to have the ability to draw simple flowers and trees as I doodle while on the phone. It is ripe for assumptions, being the artist and idealist that I am. My left brain, however, is more than the logical part of me…(even though in many ways I am logical and practical)! It also helps with math and business and negotiations and bookkeeping…practical things that are fine and definitely have their place. But practical as they may be, they are not necessarily friendly with my dominate right brain. I do know this to be true about my right brained assumptions: my intentions are always good; my results sometimes…not so good; the eventual outcomes are, most the time, above average. To get there, I use a lot of white out, a very painful and slow process of editing, clarifying and rewriting script.  

In the meantime, I swim through the muck of my assumptions (assuming that I have been clear, assuming that I have been heard, assuming that I have been understood) only to find out that rather than floating downstream, I am sitting in a mud bath.  Assumptions are like that, muddy but can be healthy if we learn from them. I am learning that I can somehow reduce my frequency of assumptions if I take time to really listen to others, ask questions, and not rush toward the finish line. But I don’t think that assumptions can be avoided altogether. That is life…and life (I have decided) is a lot of mud baths and clean streams. We just need to recognize which one we are up to our ears in!!