Our Mourning Hearts

Have you ever tried to divide a coin down the middle? I mean, cut it so there is only a head side to the coin and a tail side? I know that is a stupid question to ask. Even if we accomplished the feat, there would still be two sides to the coin. You cannot have a coin without two sides, no matter how hard you try. If there was ever a description of life, I don't know what else could be better!!

I think of all the times I thought that life was supposed to be painless or perfect. That the disappointment that came my way...or the heartache or sadness, or loss, or pain...was somehow a fluke or a bad joke being played on me. We have a particularly myopic view of life in the Western world. If you tend to be an optimist, maybe you think that bad things never should happen. If you are a pessimist, then you believe that only bad things happen. The Truth...not the little "t" truth but the big "T" truth, is that life is a full, whole complete coin. Even if you try to cut it in half to eliminate one side, it simply cannot be done.

Buddhists have a beautiful expression that goes something like this: "In order to to live fully we must first learn how to die." (Please forgive me my Buddhist friends if I have misquoted this!) But in essence, the idea is to accept impermanence and embrace life for all its foibles and joys. I spent a great deal of my life pushing  my pain away or trying to control my circumstances so I could avoid pain. It never served me. In fact, it dropped me, head first, into the boiling oil of what I was trying to avoid. If your voice mourns half of your life, then think of all the life you have not lived. Every day is a gift...that is why they call it the present. I  hope you wake up tomorrow and open your gift and love every part of it!

The Voice of Blame

I had the honor and the gift of being mentored by a wonderful minister when I was in my early 20's. He taught me as much about how to live my life as anyone ever has. Reverend Stevens was an angel sent to me at a time when I needed someone to give me a playbook for how to live my life. One of the most important things he ever said to me was "for every finger I pointed at someone else, there were three fingers pointing back to me."

Jim Rohn said "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." Taking 100% responsibility for our life can be challenging and complex. It does mean giving up the idea of being a victim and taking responsibility for how we respond to any given moment or event. The outside world can be chaotic and uncertain. But taking 100% responsibility for ourselves can root and ground us. It gives us an inner strength to weather the uncertain, even the unexpected tragedies. Accepting this creed pushed me to hard questions, like "...did I ever cast blame on someone else for my behavior or reaction to any given event or in any given moment?" The truthful answer was "of course I did."

Blame is a crutch I used to lean upon. Sometimes it was used against me, other times I used it against others. It was easy to recognize once I paid attention because it felt awful. My gut churned and twisted, like I had eaten a bad meal. My inner voice sounded something like, "If you would just (stop doing ..., being  ...., acting .... snoring) then I would not (be jealous, get angry) or I would  (listen, show up) or...the most egregious of all, "I would be happy."  I soon began to realize that 1) I do not have to be the excuse for someone's inability to take 100% responsibility for their life; 2) that I did not have the power to make anyone do anything and 3) no one was to blame for my choices, regardless of the landscape! That would include positive and negative ones. All I can do is be 100% responsible and in that Divine space, be an example of how I wish people to treat me.

If you can, pull all your fingers back into your palm. Perhaps fold them in a prayer request, asking for guidance. And then listen to the whisper. Your gut will lead you into your own mastery.

Grace

Webster defines grace as kindness, favor, mercy, pardon; a special favor; reprieve. Years ago I listened to a lecture that suggested that grace was one of the essential tools everyone needed to put into their toolbox for life. Another word for grace might be allowance. I feel the best word for grace is space. Sometimes, walking through our life without grace can feel like a crowded New York City street at rush hour. Our expectations and fears and/or "what if's" can crowd the common sense right out of us.

Let's play the "what if" game from another angle! What if, by giving yourself some grace, you felt less disappointment? What if, by giving yourself only 10% grace in your life, you could live more at peace and feel happier. What if that 10% you give yourself allowed your voice to be clear and concise? Need some examples...I share what the person offered to her audience: The item you bought on sale might be found for 10% less someplace else. The traffic might be 10% worse than you thought. The scissors you put away in the drawer where they usually are found may have a 10% chance of not being there...especially if you live with someone else. The result you wanted has a 10% chance that it will not turn out quite the way you had it shaped in your mind.

Abe Lincoln said we are about as happy as we make up our minds to be. I always felt a little challenged with his idea ... and sometimes still feel challenged. The truth of the matter is that grace can lead us to that peaceful island Abe held us responsible to find. I have learned that nothing comes out exactly as I painted it in my mind. Sometimes it is not as good, but most times it is better if I allow the moment to have its own wings. The truth is, meals can burn, cars can be lemons, people can disappoint. The other happy truth is that the meal can be fabulous, the car can last for 15 years, and anyone can become a better friend or lover than expected. Pushing away what you think it must be and embracing life, moment by moment for what it is, is the stuff of which grace is made. I wish grace for all of us. It can only make the world be a better place to live.

Wine and Cheese or Whine and Cheez

I had this extraordinary privilege to be tossed into the sea of life early, often times feeling that I had certainly lost my life preserver in the vast ocean of experiences. Someone, always, rowed up next to me and offered me a hand into their boat. Sometimes I stubbornly refused the offering and preferred to drown in my own mess while other times I willingly and gratefully reached for the hand and allowed their influence to pull me out of the sea of depression I was sinking into.

I have long been one of those people who wanted to believe at all times the glass was half full, even when everything before me suggested the flippin glass was empty!! Denial is a great tool, but even denial made from steel could not keep me away from the other kind of whine and cheez I often sat and dined upon. I think that being human has many subtle traps that pull us away from celebration. It is not that celebration is not available because we all celebrate when we are happy and content. It is the ability to celebrate our lives in spite of the challenging things that come along.

I have learned that even in the saddest and most devastating times of my life, when I can revisit or commit to celebrating the goodness that might be contained in that moment, I can effectively affect change and transformation...if only for myself. But it seems when I am different, others respond differently to me. An old Santiz Indian proverb says "I had no shoes and complained until I met a man who had no feet." The true path to peace is to set and dine each day of your life in celebration with the wine and cheese of your life, even if it is the box variety!! Which is your pleasure, red or white?

Hopeful or Hopeless

Regardless of your state of mind, it comes through when we have a conversation with someone. I remember years ago being a young, struggling single mother. I was full of hope for us and at the same time, had moments of singularly soul trembling concern for my ability to provide care for my son or create a future that held promise for him. I was fortunate at the time to be part of a community that was teaching me to believe more in my greatness than my fear. But so often, my fear came through when I would approach my daily life. My fear also came through via my often times lack of patience, which in turn became directed toward my sweet son.

While history cannot be undone, it can be rewritten. I think back on the young and inexperienced mother I was and I realize that while my voice often betrayed my inner fear, there was something greater at work in my life. It seems like many lifetimes since I was that young mother, but the wisdom and insight gained have become the gem stones and corner stones of my life now as a mature woman.

I think we all feel hopeless at times. I think we are all susceptible to being so deep in the forest that we cannot see a path out. The path will appear, like magic, if we can drink from the well of hope. Hopefulness and belief in the greater part of you will carry you through and out of the forest. It carried me. This is not a Pollyanna approach but a deep belief in the purposefulness of your life. Your voice will change when you seek out and find that purposefulness. It will be convicted, and strong, and you will do things and conquer circumstances that will surprise you. Give yourself that sweet gift of life...the gift of personal surprise!!

Your voice can betray what you believe

One of the most beautiful conversations I have ever had with someone I love and care for happened when they were honest and told me, straight up, that my expressed concern was being interpreted as a lack of faith in them. I was asked to believe more in their strength than in their challenge. I was asked to trust that they had the right tools to do the right thing for themselves. In that moment, I realized that sometimes my faith just needs to be a little stronger, a little more rooted so that it can shadow and shrink my fears. My "concern" was interpreted correctly and I was grateful to be called out on what I had said.

Spring is a time when light begins to last longer than darkness. Things that were hidden underground to survive the cold of winter begin to push into the light. Some animals come out of hibernation during this time. An event can be like Spring, regardless of the time of year. Our voice can expose, when brought into the light, some things about us that can bring wisdom to our circumstances. I know when something that has been hidden within me appears through something I say aloud, I am caught off guard and sometimes ignore what has been exposed. Embarrassed, uncertain...coming into the light can be blinding and uncomfortable. But it can also be liberating!!

I look around at the hills that surround my community, at the flowers that are blooming and the limbs of the trees that are filling in with green and I realize that everything is better in the light. Darkness has its purpose, as do all things under heaven, but light gives us the gift of seeing things for what they are. In this time of transformation, in this Spring time, my Easter wish for everyone is to be transformed in some way. Don't shy away from what might be hidden. Give yourself and your voice permission to come into the light. Like a daffodil, you just might like what therein blooms!!