When Your Voice is Smothered

I believe the most heartbreaking thing in the world to experience is verbal attack when it comes at a time we are trying to communicate with someone. This may be a somewhat culturally or environmentally induced state because not everyone communicates in this style. But I know few people who have not suffered this experience in some way. I myself grew up with passionate, emotional people who only knew, when they were feeling fearful or inadequate, to use words to attack and defend themselves or their position.

The times I have been faced with this I have tried to defend my heart by defending my position. I do not know if this was the most effective use of my voice but it was what I knew how to do. What I do know is that when it happens it hurts our hearts and, even as we defend, we retreat to a place that keeps us locked away from what is right in our world. It takes time to trust again; the relationship arena is changed when we are confronted in such a way.

I have learned by trial and error the wisest thing to do when this happens is to be the witness to what you know to be true. To listen to their pain without personalizing it, and simply retreat. Know, deep within your heart, that your response becomes the example through which change can be revealed, if not in the other person then certainly within yourself. You will be stronger for your quiet response and maybe, somewhere in the Universe, there is someone saying  to you, "In you, I am well pleased." In knowing that to be true, there is peace to be found.

Surrendering Your Voice

Today was one of those days when what I planned, to some degree, was thrown aside or shoved to a later time. It felt like a psychic traffic jam!! Even traffic jams can offer a gift if we learn to sit calmly in the face of complete chaos and fortunately, today I opened one!! As I spoke with others, one of the questions that came up was "What do I surrender my intention to? Who or what do I give my voice over to and why do I give it up so easily?"

An example may be in order here...so I offer the following: You have a goal and someone you care about tells you it is silly or will not work so you abandon your plans. You intend to spend some vital time for yourself and a friend calls and you abandon that needed space for a long, gossipy call. You decide you want to lose 10 pounds and that piece of deep rich chocolate cake begs for your attention...and consumption. You make a commitment to exercise, but that warm pillow or partner asks you to hang out just a little bit longer.

I think that we mistake our voice for things that we say aloud. But our voice comes in many forms...the loudest and most powerful form is being the voice we have that echos between our ears. In what ways do you surrender your voice...the voice that asks greatness of you? Do you give it over to fear, laziness, boredom, suggestion, need for approval, entitlement...the list is endless. Once you realize you are truly the captain of each precious day, that the gift of the day is that of a golden nugget and not a paper bill, you will give your voice a little more respect. This is your day to spend, to speak, to dance, to live. Let your voice be heard by the most important person of all...you.

When Your Voice is Stuck

I had the unusual treat this morning of spending time in traffic court. I was there to contest a ticket I deeply feel was issued unreasonably and found myself in a pool of mixed humanity. Some pleading "not guilty" and others acknowledging guilt. I sat there, listening to the presiding judges, who patiently listened to each case. I had plenty of examples of what to say and do before my turn came to address the judge. I new I was pleading "not guilty." But even after listening to everyone, I was nervous and choked on my response when I stepped up to the lectern.

I discovered that with all my assurance and confidence, in so many areas of my life, I felt a little unsure and anxious in that court of law. I am a person who generally follows the rules of our society. When I was in school, I rarely caused a ruckus...and if I did and I was busted, I was the most uncomfortable kid in the world. I am quite sure it is an issue of feeling powerless v powerful. In the case of my court appearance, I feel quite justified and assured of my position. My court date is set so I must gain my voice before I return and at the same time be prepared to accept the court's ruling. And yet, it could be dismissed if the officer does not appear.

But the power of this experience has exposed a part of my voice that is tentative to say the least. Authority figures, for some, stifle our voice. I experienced that feeling today. I was somewhat composed, but at the same time I wanted to plead my case and have it done. My explanation must wait for another day but by then I will be prepared and more confident when I approach the judge, should that even happen at all. In the meantime, an Achilles Heel, of sorts, has been exposed for me. Leadership and success depends upon our ability to stand tall in the face of an opposing point of view. I realized when facing someone I perceive as being more powerful, it is my right and my obligation to speak clearly and concisely but with respect and dignity. I am grateful for this insight...even if it is rather displeasing to my eyes!! This, however, is why I do what I do and write what I write. Would love to know what causes you to stumble ... it might help us all!!

The Power of Silence

I have a hard time not wanting to add my two cents. Just a bad thing I learned from growing up in an environment where I never felt I was heard. I have witnessed personal needs either lead us to silent retreat or streams of opinion; I have yet to witness that either course is effective. The silence I am speaking of is that space between thought. It is that place you can spend some quiet time in, by yourself, to find an answer or response that is appropriate and supportive for any circumstance in your life. Some people call it prayer, some people call it meditation, some people call it contemplation...but regardless of the definition, it is the place where your life experiences begin.

For many, this is a very uncomfortable place. For me, it was like having a gag on my mouth! When I first learned to practice this I found that my mind could not settle into the silence. I heard a lot of "but, but, but..." or "why, why, why..." but in the end, once I humored my own noisy, inner voice, I started to see a way out of my dilemma. At first, everything I had to say would tumble out once I left that silent place. But now I have learned to recognize words that are cloaked in fear's mask (false evidence appearing real), and toss them to the wind.

Take a moment, even if it is simply sitting at a traffic light, to be silent. Turn off the radio and listen to the sweet silence. If a thought pops up just put your finger to your mouth and say "shhhhhhhhhhh." It is amazing, but the thought listens to your simply request. Roll down your window and listen for the sounds that are outside your vehicle, or listen to your breath. One moment like that can change your life. For me, it is an actual physical response, like taking off a tight pair of jeans after I have eaten a large meal. There is room for life in that moment, and love, and compassion and all the things that makes each day a brighter place to wake up to! In that silence, there is a place for my voice.

Don't Withhold Your Voice

Today is just one of those days. It began with sunny blue skies and has now become cloudy as a new storm approaches the shores of Southern California. I arrived home this afternoon to greet the woman who has been helping me keep our home in tip top shape for nearly 10 years. She speaks broken English, I speak broken Spanish, but we have always found a way to communicate. Today, as tears rolled down her face and her chest heaved with deep sighs, she told me of her husband's death a week and a half ago.

I fixed her some tea and as we sat together in the pool of her broken heart, she described the week she had been through. I stopped occasionally to clarify in my Spanish dictionary, but I could hear her with my heart. I held her as she cried again, and could feel the emptiness and anxiety she was feeling, facing the world without her esposo. At times she spoke in English, bits and pieces, and other times, she spoke in a flow of Spanish that kept me riveted and I somehow found the way to understand the nature of what she was saying. She spoke from her heart.

I think of all the things I would have said to my loved ones who have passed beyond this life. I still talk to them often; but so much of what I would have said to them, or might have said to them, is stored in the hollow cans of my "wish I had closet." Sometimes, some of those thoughts just leak out into my present moment, and I send them on angels wings to my beloved someone who I hope hears me. Don't wait to praise, don't wait to utter those challenging words,  I am sorry for how I participated in our misunderstanding." Don't wait to use your voice to offer love and compassion to those you love. They will not be here forever; none of us will.

Asking Permission

Communication is such a tricky thing...books (probably libraries) have been filled with information about communication. As I have been focusing on my entries for WWAV, it has become a focal point of my day. Of course, knowing what I know about focus, it only makes sense that because this has become a priority for me, my daily encounters offer plenty of fodder for the entries! The power of permission was my gift this weekend.

There is a difference between asking permission because you are at the whim of someone's power over you and asking permission because it is an act of courtesy. Permission, like most things, is a two edged sword. There is the courtesy of asking permission to use someone's possession, (May I borrow your pen?) or it can be reduced to a form of begging (Will you please go to the meeting with me?). And then there is the power of permission as an invitation (May I have permission to ask you a question?) There is most likely a whole book that can be written on this subject that would undoubtedly help many; but for the sake of this blog, let's look at the power it holds.

If I come to you and I am invested in something that is important to me, asking your permission to allow me into your personal world is a gold plated acknowledgment of that person's right to accept or refuse. It says, "I respect you and want to honor your choice." I cannot imagine anything more powerful. Even if the invitation is refused (and that could be a for a variety of reasons) it behooves us to honor the other person with the power of permission. Permission moves resistance and opens minds. In some ways, it is one of the most important keys to successful communication. We often forget about it when we are in a heated debate or an emotional environment. But saying "please, may I" may be one of those lessons from kindergarten that we have long since let pass. In the spirit of permission, may I please ask you to share this if you think it is something that can make a difference!

WWAV - An Interactive Goal

One of the goals I had in my heart...one of my intentions...was to make this blog interactive. While I am so inspired to do this, and while my life feeds me plates of imagination and inspiration for this, I want to invite you to be an active part of this site.

What are your biggest goals with your communication?
What challenge do you face that could use a different perspective?
What do you read that you feel you would like to challenge?
Do you find that you are good at communication and why?
What has worked for you in your life regarding your communication style?
Do you have a goal to reach regarding your communication?
What things, ideas, skills, techniques do you think will help?

The list can go on and on and your input is part of this. WWAV is dedicated to YOUR voice being heard. Please let me hear your voice...it will serve everyone who visits this site!

Thank you for your input and as always, please share as you feel inspired! Love and blessings for a beautiful day!!

The Power of Apology

Uh-oh...treading on thin ice, I know. This is one of the most sensitive subjects that comes up when exploring communication. Ouch, it hurt...whether it was you or the other person. Hearts, egos, minds, repeated offenses...all these things fuel the fire of personal anguish. Like anything else, the voice of apology is the most healing tool in your shed and when used sincerely will change the course of any communication. Forgiving ourselves, one of the most important parts of personal evolution and development, depends upon us forgiving others too.

When a mistake (missed take) is made, it is very scary to apologize. The concerns that come up are, "Will the person accept my apology and dismiss me; will they use it as an opportunity to take advantage of the situation; will they forgive me." On the other side of the coin, if someone is coming to you, the hidden agendas of grudge and anger (especially when built over years of misunderstandings and non-acceptance) could implode and create walls that shut you off from this healing gift. Think of the families that have been torn apart because pride stopped an apology from being given.

To forgive, is to "give for." Forgiveness does not dismiss the wrong nor does it validate the offending person's action. Nor does it label you flawed or inadequate. We are human and will hurt someone and be hurt. It is called Life. Forgiving does not demand that you stay in active relationship with the person you are forgiving. All it does is make room in yourself for tolerance. I cannot say that I am an expert at this; there are events that I find intolerable and I pray every day not to be challenged on such a deep level. But for the everyday experiences of life, for the slight by a friend or a loved one, for the humanness that follows our Souls around like a shadow, forgiveness is the key to peace. It is the antidote for many of the ailments in today's society. There is a saying: "Fragrance is the forgiveness the violet sheds when stepped upon." Tough one, I know, but so important for all of us.

Honesty and Intention

Today I am not writing about any insight. Today I am writing because I want anyone who visits this site to understand my true intention for beginning this blog. It has been such a gift for me. I had a mentor years ago tell me that we teach what we need to learn. Communication has been a mysterious land to me and I have often hit dead ends, steep cliffs, and wrong turns over my life as I have worked to improve my own communication skills. So, as I have sit down on a regular basis to write, what I have discovered about myself and my relationship with all of you who read this is the importance for me to gather your trust.

I have listed in my biography and at the end of a couple of my entries a website link to my business. This was done with an intention of allowing you access to know what I do for a living. I cannot get to know you individually unless you respond to my posts or write to me directly. But I can give you a glimpse into my world so you have an opportunity to know who I am, how I think, and why I do what I do.

My WWAV Blog: I did initially begin WWAV a number of years ago because I believe in the power of a woman's voice when it is clean, well-defined, centered, and comes from her experience and her heart. There is a saying that the longest journey we make is from our head to our heart. Emotions do not sit in the heart...they come from our beliefs and the seat of our beliefs begin with our personal experience and then become thoughts in our head.

But our heart, that is the seat of our soul. It's voice longs to be heard. When the head is in order, then the heart will be allowed to communicate in a way that will not only make your voice strong and powerful, but will also allow you to hear and live in your world in peace...even in the midst of chaos and crisis. So please know what I share with you about communication on this site is meant to invite you into your own greatness. If you want to know more about me, Google me or visit my website. In the meantime, to know my heart, visit here as often as you like!

Silent and Present

This is a skill that I am working diligently to improve. I was never taught, in my family of origin, to do this. I was talked at instead of spoken to and so I learned at a very early age to disengage from people speaking to me. In the alternative moments, I learned to argue and defend. Learning to be silent, peaceful, centered, and present has been a life long lesson for me. I share this because I think this is a human crisis ... and a crisis that in the very least handicaps relationships with people we love and in the worst case scenario can cause a war.

I have found the best method to learning to accomplish this skill is to listen when it really does not matter...although that is a contradiction in itself. Each time someone is speaking to us, it matters. I am referring to the degree of importance. It is challenging to be silent and present when reciprocity is not present. In other words, if it is someone speaking to you who does not have this skill either, it can be challenging. Especially when that someone is in a personal relationship with you. But practicing when you find yourself in mundane situations can strengthen the muscle. It is a bit like going to they gym. It works!

Simply think of the last time you "checked out" in front of someone. We can, in this age of technology, all claim busy lives. It is easy to become distracted by email, phones, beeping cars, coffee makers, washers and dryers, technology fingers that jab us in the arm until we listen!! It is easy to place more importance on that  unfinished task list. Think of it this way...the someone speaking with you is asking you to share their life, their world. It is an invitation to come into their circle. Maybe their circle is not so interesting or deep or relevant to your world. But it is an invitation for connection. If you want to change your marriage, your friendships, your parenting, practice when it doesn't matter as much so when it does, you will be able to hear. And your voice will be able to be heard...because the person knows you care.

Intention is Everything

Words, as many masters and teachers explain, get in the way. I wish I could just leave this entry at the Title. However, until we understand the power of intention, we can not begin to understand how it fuels our voice. If our words are the plate of our communication, then intention is the fork, the spice, and the nutrition. It is singularly the most important piece to our ability to communicate effectively with another person.

Intention is either conscious or unconscious. There have been times in my life when my intention is one thing and I try to disguise it in my communication style. What happens in every instance, however, is that my intention is always heard first. I don't know when this idea came to me...I am quite sure it is from personal experience...but I realized one day that if a piece of luscious dark chocolate is laced with arsenic, it will still kill. In the same way, if your intention is laced with fear, hurt, cultural entitlements, emotion, anger, judgment, arrogance, prejudice, unkindness (you know, the messy emotions of life that are trying to get our attention!!) ...even if those emotions go unspoken, they are the intention with which you speak. And sometimes, those intentions are so buried, we don't even consciously realize they exist.

When I am conscious of my intention, my confidence is higher, my compassion meter soars, I speak more clearly. And while my point of view may or may not change, and even if I disagree with another, it can be a passing exchange. I cannot say I always do this...especially when I feel frightened or threatened. But when I do it makes all the difference. I think of all the times I allowed my emotion to trump my intention. It takes humility to turn and face, with deep honesty, the shadows of our intentions. Just ask yourself, "What is my intention for this day?" I encourage you to listen to your heart and soul and then turn toward your intention and shake hands with it. Make it your best friend, the roots your life is lived by. Your voice will sing sweetly and be heard!

Hitting a Wall

What happens when your voice is not heard and you hit a wall? It might show up in many forms...like a lost job, the end of a marriage or friendship, the loss of something or someone important to you. It can choke off your voice and the strangulation can lead you down a dark path that is lonely and frightening. So, in the words of Oprah, this is what I know for sure...

I know that every event in our life comes to us, offering us a ticket to freedom. Sometimes, though, it feels like jail. The Truth about any given situation is that it is meant to open us up, give us more options; it offers us the opportunity to sincerely take 100% responsibility for our life and the choices we make; it can guide us in the direction of our dreams and our soul's purpose. The challenge, always, is to see it for the opportunity it is, to be empowered by it. Too often we let what appears to us become a setback that defines and cripples us. The Truth is, our perspective is our choice and nothing positive can be accomplished from a state of victimization.

I know it is hard to imagine this when it feels like a cesspool...it takes courage and guts to turn the cesspool into an island paradise pond, complete with waterfall and sunshine. Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so Shakespeare told us. Truth is Truth, regardless of the century!! Write down the things you learned from your experience and the wisdom that you can take with you, forgive the bitch or bastard that was your angel, and keep your antennae up for the opportunities that are in front of you. Trust me, they are ALWAYS THERE!! If you can see them, you will be empowered. You will gain confidence and compassion, two critical elements for a strong voice. If you can cross this admittedly ginormous bridge I guarantee you that your voice will be heard!!

Great reading: Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

Visit my website at www.candacelea.max4u.com to find out how you can "Youth-enize Old Age!!"

What do you say to yourself when you are not listening?

I have taken a lot of self-help courses in self-talk. The courses I took were all designed to help us with our goals. They also teach active affirmations such as I am good at what I do, I can succeed, I am organized and active in my business and home life etc, etc. I have been a student of affirmations and have used them for over 30 years, sometimes successfully, sometimes ineffectively. Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live created humor around the practice, making thousands of people laugh with the dichotomy of his behavior/choices and the affirmation he used. Laughter is the world's best medicine and I would wager to say he helped a lot of people!!

The act of conscious self-talk is important; affirmations can work if you are using them with intention and focus. The things you say to yourself, however, in those off-guarded, unconscious moments is what is most important to pay attention to. I find myself, a practioner of conscious self-talk ambushed when faced with an emotional crisis, a wall I just cannot get over, a challenge that seems higher than Mt. Everest. In those moments, I do not always engage in positive self talk but the voice that is mightier than the Rolling Stones in a stadium concert blares away and what I REALLY believe gets exposed, in all its nakedness.

What you say to yourself in those moments is the most critical in your life. The story you tell yourself about the experience you are having will have everything to do with the action you take and the stress you put on your heart and body. That in turn will add up to mountainous consequences, over time. The voice you use when you speak to yourself will tell you so much about the voice you use with others. I have learned when faced with this dilemma (not always, this is a process) to PAY ATTENTION! Consider these moments STOP signs. STOP so you can listen to what your heart is saying. STOP so you can face the fear that is trying to pull you down and drown your enthusiasm and belief. STOP, be with the emotion; do not try to suppress it but just sit with it. Then, like you would with a child who is hurt, hold yourself tenderly and long and tell yourself the Truth...not the story you are creating between your ears. Paying attention, being conscious with your inner voice, is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. Be your own best listener, your own best friend.

The Power of the Question

I was interrupted yesterday in my posting due to the arrival of our grandchildren. Makena (who is 3) and Ryan (who happens to be 1) spent Saturday with us. We had a day of swings, scooters, gardening, cooking making, and a dip in the jacuzzi. What I found myself doing yesterday, for most of the day, was asking questions. I asked a lot of questions. I did not realize how often I asked a question until this morning while combing and styling Makena's hair. (It is important at this juncture to clarify that she is strong willed, determined, and precocious...but also sweet, often polite, and kind!)

Makena wanted braids and she asked for them. I, unfortunately, had one style of braids in my mind, and she had another. I didn't ask "the question" ... e.g., what kind of braids would you like? Unfortunately, but with little consequence, the twain did not meet. As I completed french braids down each side of her head, with the intention of pulling them back into a pony tail, she informed me her hair was done. Looking a bit like Pippy Longstocking, I tied of the loose strands of her curly locks put it into a bun. A unique style but she was happy. It did not turn out quite as I have envisioned but Makena was satisfied!!

Hairstyles are not critical in the scheme of things...but there are so many other moments that are. How often do we fail to ask the question of the person we are attempting to have communication ... and how equally often do we take the time to clarify? The failure of me to ask Makena what kind of braids reminded me that when having a relationship with someone, anyone, there are two people involved. Two ideas, two creative minds attempting to weave together, like a braid. I think of the times in my life when a question, in important moments, might have made a critical difference and mitigated the conflict or hurt feelings. Questions, it seems to me after spending a weekend with my grandchildren, reminded me of their importance in communication. Questions to communication are as yeast to bread. Without them, it is hard to rise to the occasion of relationship...or have your voice heard at all!

Your Vision Drives Your Communication

When you wake up in the morning, how do you see your day? As you planned for the holidays, did you have a vision for what you wanted them to be? Do you actually have the creative edge that "sees" a goal? Do you have a goal? When faced with an obstacle, do you see a Yield sign or do you see a Stop sign? I am quite sure that you are asking what these questions or even vision could possibly have to do with communication, but it has everything to do with it.

The vision you have for you life is different than a wish or a dream. To get you to see the idea more clearly, consider a trip to the grocery store. You have a vision of the store, it's geographic location, the streets you will travel to get there, and most times you will have a list of the things you will buy. You have planned for your shopping by having money in your wallet, maybe you even have a budget for your monthly meals. If we have such practical vision for our everyday lives, how much more important is it for us to have that kind of vision for what our heart longs for? A wish is more ethereal, less concrete. A vision, however, is real...even when it is in the future. If we feel locked away from our vision, or if we have given up on our vision, or if we have decided our vision is beyond our personal experience, we communicate less effectively.

Imagine every new day is a blank canvas. What is your vision of the day? Instead of dipping your paintbrush in the past, dip it into a new color pallet of potential. Use all the tools available to you: crayons for playfulness, pens for permanence, artists pencils for shading and sketching, watercolors for softness, oils for definition. When you look into the mirror, erase anything that defies your innate creative juices. While we are definitely influenced by our past, our parents, our partners, our experiences, we can choose not to be defined by them. We can, instead, envision the world we wish to live in, with clarity, intention, and purpose. Even a vision such as peace on earth can only happen if we see it first in ourselves. A peaceful voice is a powerful voice...even in the midst of struggle. If it were not, Martin Luther King would be unknown. Be your vision and refuse to surrender it to anyone, anything, or any circumstance, and then communicate that vision to the world!

The Power of Gratitude - Your Voice Enhancer

There have been so many books written about gratitude and the value it has in our lives. As children we are taught to say, "please" and once we get what we ask for we say "thank you." We routinely say things like "thank you for coming," "thank God it didn't rain on our wedding day," and "thank you to strangers, waiters and people who deliver goods to our door." We say "thank you" at Christmas and on our birthdays when we receive gifts, or "thank you" when someone holds a door open or helps us pick up dropped keys. All languages have a word for "thank you." It is a way of being gracious and kind when good things come our way.


It is far more difficult, however, to remember to be deeply, sincerely, authentically grateful for the life we wake up to every day, with all its warts and challenges. The greatest obstacle for us as human beings is that we focus, however unintentionally, on what is wrong, what makes us unhappy, what does not work, the traffic, the bills, the wars that are raging around the globe, the partner, relative, or friend who does not see things our way. For reasons unknown to me, we as a whole see the glass half empty, even those of us who declare that we are bone marrow optimists. We are not taught to say, "I am SO grateful that my heart is beating today, or that I can breathe the air and fill my lungs, or that I can see, or that I have a home, a meal, a job, a child(ren), an idea that might rock the world. It could be anything that makes walking upright better: an education, a sibling, a friend, a child, a passion or idea, the sun, trees, clouds, a pet, a sense of humble gratitude for the body that keeps us going even though we do not take care of it as we should. Most importantly, it changes our perception and opens up our dream treasure box, it improves our health, and causes people we love to feel valued and cherished.

Gratitude changes lives. Gratitude is contagious, it infects everyone around you. If you would truly like to have a voice that people hear, begin with gratitude for the people in your life who are within hearing distance. Be deeply and sincerely grateful that you have conflicts that challenge you and ask you to grow. Be deeply and sincerely grateful that you do have someone to talk to, even if those people are sandpaper to your soul. Sprinkle your life experience with the sweetness of gratitude and wake up to a voice that is yours and yours alone.

How the Past Seasons Your Communication

One of my mentors, Reverend Robert Stevens, taught me that you cannot drive a car forward by looking in your rear view mirror. I intellectually understood the concept the first time I heard it, but getting out of the pool of my past was like getting out of a warm jacuzzi in a snow storm. I felt safer in the jacuzzi...ie, my past. It was part of me, it was like my arm, or my hand, or an old pair of slippers. It was MY experience, kept me warm in those winter storms, and I had learned from all those experiences. It shaped who I was and even if it was not perfect, it was oh so comfortable. The snow storm (the mystery of the present) seemed too daunting and scary.

The problem with our past is that it becomes the logic we live by. It is meant to serve us, to bring us wisdom, to guide us through rough water, to help us evolve to a deeper understanding. What our past sometimes becomes is akin to eating a bad tomato and never eating tomatoes again. We have a bad experience and it suddenly translates to all experience. Or worse, we have had what appears to be a "right" experience and we make everyone else wrong. And then we respond, dripping the emotionally charged or arrogantly confident past, like chocolate syrup, all over our current life. Only it does not taste so sweet.

I don't want to infer that the past is easy to rewrite...or that it did not mark us in some way. We are only human, after all. And some of us had horrific experiences. We learn if we touch fire, we get burned. But fire can also keep us warm, cook our meals, and provide light for us to see. I think it is most useful to turn our past into a torch so we can see the present and then respond from that place. The light of the fire can offer compassion and give us permission to evolve and change. No matter what is going on around us, we have the ability (if we choose) to step confidently in the right direction if we use that light and leave the painful or unhealthy messages of the past behind. Wishing you a new vision from the light of your own torch!

Listening - Energizing Your Voice

I was once told by a dear friend who cared about me that I had two ears and one mouth for a reason! At first, I felt defensive but when I truly listened, I realized I talked more than I listened. Before anyone was even finished with their thought, I was already processing my opinion. I don't believe that anything I write on this blog is necessarily "news" ... or even newsworthy. But I do have to say that when I really HEARD what my friend said, it made me stop in my tracks.

People listen to what you have to say when they know you care enough about them to listen. Sometimes it is prattle, sometimes profound, but there is always depth between the lines, no matter how you add it up. I have to admit that sometimes this is hard to do when emotions are flying around like startled bats in a dark cave! But it is emotions that derail communication. Another way to look at it is this: Who you are speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say. If who I am is upset, feeling superior, judgmental, or arrogant, what I have to say becomes muffled by the weight of who I am expressing in that moment.

Gracing someone with your ears connects you to others at the heart. Listening lends to honesty that allows for risk...and risk can deepen relationships when risk is taken with kindness and compassion. Listening with intention, gives power, clarity, and volume to your own voice. Even when it is a whisper.

What does change represent to you?

For sometime, I found that change was a four letter word to me. I made many of the arguments that I believe many of us do...like "I am a good person, I am who I am, change means I am flawed, why do I have to compromise, it was their fault...I am the victim here, what did I do wrong." We see change as the finger of God pointing at us, diminishing our stature, our self-confidence and our egos. It is easier to change the shape of your  nose than to change your inner universe. So why even try?

Someone...an obviously wiser and more enlightened person than myself...told us that "...if you do what you have always done, you are going to get what you have always got." Even if your life is perfect for you, and you feel at peace and are satisfied, change (aka evolution) is simply part of the circle of life. If our bones did not grow and change from childhood, we would all be a lot shorter. Insight is the bone marrow of life, wisdom is the gourmet meal we make from our missed takes (aka, mistakes). So why not surrender to change and the positive things it can bring?

If you do not feel heard, there is a great possibility that you are operating under the oppression of a BOS that is messing with your effectiveness. Like the old DOS system that ran computers from the background, Belief Operating Systems have been running the lives of people for millenniums.The only way to chart your map to being heard is to examine your belief systems...and most of them have been created by someone else...your parents, your culture, your spouse, your friends, your clan or gang. Each person's individual voice is as sweet and different as is Janis Joplin's voice to Celine Dion's...or pick any of your favorite (or less than favorite) artists to make the bridge seem logical. But to find that voice, you must be willing to practice, to change technique, to evolve to a brighter version of yourself.

Maybe change can become redefined by this: "change is not changing the essential YOU but instead changing the techniques that allow the essential YOU to be heard." Billy Joel said, "I love you just the way you are." I am thinking that concept is a bit flawed!! Being heard works only when your voice becomes a whisper of the authentic you, the heart of you, the soul of you. What's in your voice box? Let's find out together!!

A New Year, a Beautiful You

I believe that each of us, as women, have a powerful and unlimited potential to be the change the world needs. We have, as a gender, arrived through the efforts of our greater than great grandmothers and mothers who, in their own way, fought for us to have a voice at all. Less than 100 years ago we were denied voting privileges. Over the century, we have stood our ground for the right to wear pants, own property, life independently, and claim our place as equal partners to our spouses. Some of us have fought to be regarded as legitimate businesswomen and social and political leaders. We did this, many of us, while raising our children and being the hub of our families. However, the voices of most (even with all our advancement) still seems like a whisper, barely audible in a world that needs to hear what we have to say. We choke when faced with an opportunity to ask for what we want, speak our truth, or offer our insight.

It is not enough to have words to say, or feelings to express. We must learn to have voices that are transformational and that can be heard. We cannot do it based upon the old rules; we must learn to create a new playing field that changes the rules. New wine cannot be held by old wine skins; therefore, we must create a new way of being and expressing ourselves. We must, in the popular vernacular, be born again. Like peeling an onion, we will find our centers and our true purpose as we shed what does not work and adopt that which does. What is that? I believe it is unique for each of us once a solid foundation is established. Together, we will build that foundation and then find our way to our own personal song. That, my friends, is what this forum is about!

Are you ready to take on the challenge?