What do you say when...

Ever been lost for words? There are so many ways that we can find ourselves silenced by an experience or a situation. It can come from being shocked, or flabbergasted (as my grandmother used to say) by maybe we can find nothing appropriate to say in the ridiculousness of a situation. Then there are the times when we are in shock. Other times, facing someone's loss or their sorrow can be silencing. Words are so limited when we are expressing an emotion. It can seem like a difficult and painful task to try and pull from the alphabet something that makes sense.

I have this great saying over my desk. I found it (or it found me) at a time in my life when I was trying to convince or defend or talk my way out and/or through situations. It was a time in my life when I was learning the true value of silence and reflection. It simply says, "A silent voice is sweet to hear."

Tonight our daughter told me how she has been learning to use body language to communicate with horses, Horse Whisperer style. The horse, in this way, learns to trust the person and develops a relationship with her. Silence can be uncomfortable but when given a situation where words seem inadequate or simply inane, perhaps silence says more and is sweeter than any string of the alphabet we might put together. Like my daughter with the horse, simply being there can say so much more. This is different from "the silent treatment" which can be abusive and deafening. I am talking about compassionate silence, just being with a person in their moment. I am still learning to do that but when I do, the gift of it is so sweet!

Spring Has Sprung

Have you ever wondered why you hold back saying something that might be valuable or insightful? I am not speaking about your opinion. Some opinion is better left unsaid! I am talking about that one response that you hold onto when the response you keep bottled up might create intimacy and clarity for another person? It might, just might, bring peace to your life! My husband and I were talking about this at breakfast yesterday and really had no answer what often stops us. Maybe pride, maybe ego, maybe fear???

The calendar rolled out spring for us just a few days ago. For some of us who live in sunny climates, spring means flowers on our hillside and green foothills. For some, it is the first thaw and breezy days. Spring is a time of renewal and new growth. It is a time of the season to let the seeds of new ideas and ways of being spring forth. Those who celebrate Easter celebrate the Resurrection; those who farm prepare to care for their harvest. Spring is a time to come out of darkness and tender the new ideas, the new voice that might be forming. A great question I ask myself  is "Am I choking out the good in my life by repressing the compassionate or positive voice that longs to be heard?"

Someone said there is no stopping an idea whose time has come. If you have been planting seeds within your mighty soul, and during this amazing time of year...this time of renewal...you realize it, then tender those seeds well! Water them with your Spirit, weed them with your wisdom, prune them with discretion, give them light so they can thrive, shelter them from attack (I have heard a good bug spray will discourage many a skeptic!!), and praise them daily. Gardeners and mothers have mutual wisdom...they know that the young must be cared for tenderly to become strong, rooted, and independent. I celebrate that inner wisdom with everyone, knowing your positive voice will be revealed and your life will be lived abundantly!

Your Dreams and Your Voice

Do you remember what it was like to be a child? Some of my sweetest memories were of lying on the grass on a summer day and finding shapes in the clouds. I called it "cloud art." The smell of fresh cut grass was the sure sign that the snow was gone and that spring had come, with summer on its heals. To this day, I absolutely love the smell of fresh cut grass...and fortunately I have no allergies to take me from that pleasure.

Sometimes, our voice can be like an allergen, taking us away from our pleasures. One of the most challenging things for me to do is to quiet that allergy ridden voice when I am imagining the life I want to live. I used to imagine the goal and crossing the finish line. I still have my goals and my dreams that I imagine for myself. But more and more, it is the daily life I imagine I want to live that has gained in value. The surprise package is that the more I hold to the image of what I want my daily life to look like, the closer my goals and dreams become.


Einstein said that imagination is more important than knowledge. Sometimes what we "know" is the allergen to our own imagination. We have this powerful, creative ability that works in our lives every single day. It is called our thoughts. If the ambassador to your thoughts is undermining your imagination, then you can be certain that voice comes from what you know, from your history. It is quite different from Knowing, the kind of knowing that is a deep seeded certainty you can accomplish anything you decide you want to accomplish.  The problem is, when we listen to that voice from our past, we repeat our experiences and it smothers the voice of imagination. I am here to tell you, what the voice of your imagination has to say is infinitely more important!

Do You Ask Permission or Forgiveness?

This is an important question to ask, not just of yourself but of others. There is, from my experience, a Grand Canyon difference between the two concepts, even though at times the results are small and insignificant. As I have worked to patch up misunderstandings in my relationships, this is a concept that I have had to reconfigure again and again in my life. Sometimes, an executive decision must be made and there is no time for discussion. However, the permission I am speaking about is the permission to be on the dance floor of life with another, whether that person is a friend, neighbor, a partner, a child, mother, father, sister or brother. It is learning to honor the dignity of another person.


I am wondering if others have confronted this concept? Our voice is our calling card and it tells others whether or not to respect us, to believe in us, to regard us seriously or dismissively. I do know there are times forgiveness can seem the simpler thing to aim for. But given the propensity for many of us to be challenged with the practice of forgiveness, it just seems to be a gamble and usually the odds are not in our favor. Asking for forgiveness in lieu of permission basically is saying, "I don't care what the consequences are, I am going to do this anyway."

Maybe it would be a good thing to spend a day asking for permission. May I borrow this item? May I plan a weekend for us away? Do you mind if I spend a night out with my friends? Should we spend the money on this item (that I just have to have)? Do you mind...? Do you care...? Do you think...? May I ...? I would love to hear your feedback on this concept. While I do know there are no absolutes and everything, in most cases is by degree, I would love to know if you practice one more than the other and then to know your outcome or success. What does your voice vote on?

Choosing Life

Today I was in my local Jimbo's Market (a health food store) and there was a small, somewhat fragile woman seeking guidance for digestion problems. I started talking to her and she said to me, "The problem is, I just don't want to live anymore." She desperately wanted relief from her declining health and the pain it was causing her. She also said she was alone, had no one, and didn't feel she mattered anymore. I realized that she was not only physically ill, her spirit was also ill. I asked her how old she was and she said, "66." I suggested the world needed her experience and that if she were to ever get better, she needed to "Choose life." first and then find a way to share her experiences through volunteering or giving of herself. All journeys begin with a single step.

I believe that many people have a hard time choosing life. Henry David Thoreau said he believed "That men lead quiet lives of desperation." I think this is as true in the 21st century as it was in the 19th. Life can be confusing and most of us are just doing the best we can with the tools we may have in our personal toolboxes. Today, if I were to ask you this question, "Did you wake up today and choose life from your first conscious moment?" what would you say? Only you can answer that question honestly to yourself. Even if you say, "Of course I choose life" then the next question I would ask, "Do you live like you choose life?"

Tonight, as you fall asleep, think back over your day and what do you tell yourself about the day? What do you tell yourself about your circumstances when you awaken? Do you have a voice that is the voice of an explorer? Or do you, in the alternative, have a voice that is still trying to survive? You will know the answer to that question by how you feel. If you seem to be out of energy, out of joy, out of hope, out of creative solutions (and all solutions come with problems, like a coin comes with heads and tails), then you will know the true answer. Or maybe you are simply out of gas because you are not necessarily choosing YOUR life. So my friends, I invite you to your own party, to your own celebration, and I encourage you to choose your life because it is truly the only thing that belongs to you and you will take it with you wherever you go!

Does Changing Your Mind Matter?

There is a great Zen story about a man who goes to a Zen Master and tells him, "I have two animals within me that are vying for my attention. One is an angry, vicious tiger who is unsettled and mean spirited; the other animal is a kind lamb who is loving and would harm no person or thing. Which one will win?" The wise Zen Master replied, "The one you feed."

The most amazing thing about our voice is that we get to choose which voice we feed. I have learned that the most important questions to ask myself is "should I change my mind about this?" I am not a fan of wishy-washy thinking; nor do I feel the chameleon approach is a wise approach. To be true to ourselves, to be empowered by our voice, we must be grounded in our beliefs. However, I have discovered there is a tremendous difference between the beliefs I have that are fundamental to my integrity and the beliefs I have that have been formed from my life experience. One of them often takes the form of an angry tiger; the other voice is more of the lamb variety.

Changing your mind matters if it makes a difference to the world around you. I have come to trust the axiom that I get what I believe. If I believe men are unreasonable, my husband becomes suddenly unreasonable...or at least seemingly so in my eyes. If I believe that something will turn out badly or wrong, often times it does, at least by my perspective. Some of my greatest gifts have come when I have changed my mind. It changes the roaring voice in my head that labels an experience "bad" and the whisper that comes up is one that guides me to compassion, wisdom, and kindness. Not a wishy-washing kindness but a strength that comes from my soul. So go ahead, change your mind, even if it is only concerning the ice cream you order!!

When the Voice Doesn't Fit the Want

Have you ever had a thought about something that you wanted, really really wanted, and when it showed up or exposed itself for what it is, it simply did not fit? It could be a relationship, it could be a car, it could be a refrigerator, it could be a book or a poem. I find that my heart gets invested in my vision and I have a driving need that my vision fit reality. The truth is, sometimes it does not.

Once the reality is faced, how often do we try and cut the puzzle piece to fit where we want rather than looking for the piece that fits? This point became apparent to me when our refrigerator died this week and the ice cream in the freezer became an ugly version of a milkshake! I hastily measured, we ordered the refrigerator I wanted. It was a refrigerator I had envisioned in our space. In fact, I wanted this fridge so badly that I choose not to be careful with the measurement. And guess what, the refrigerator we ordered was too big. How often I have done this for other things?

I have learned that it is good to have a vision, a picture in my mind, of what I want to have or experience,  whether it be a refrigerator or a person. But what I have struggled with all my life is the disappointed heart that greets me when things do not fit. I think of the times I needed, wanted someone to be the right relationship and it did not fit; or the outfit that looked so great on the hanger but hideous on me, or the car that I just had to have that turned into a lemon. Sometimes things simply do not fit. I have learned that often, it is God's grace that they do not. Someone once said if God was a truly vengeful God, He would grant us all our wishes. Thank God...this is not true!

What is in your heart?

We are all travelers on this gigantic and beautiful ball, tumbling through space. I personally believe that we are linked not by blood and bones, but by spirit and soul. Given that gift, I would like to invite you to share a thought, a feeling, a deeply held belief, a sorrow, a deep and soul riveting joy. Not just a "twitter" ... but a loud, voracious and thoughtful hum from your heart.

I am still reading "Broken Open." I had no idea how timely and deeply needed her wisdom would be for me right now. That is the amazing magic of life, that things show up when we need them if we are paying attention. This morning she told me to let go of my ego and let my soul shine through because "Who would want to be an ego, when one could be a soul?"

I am going to be still for a few days, to be reflective and listen to the whisper. Hopefully some of you will pick up your "pen" and send in a thought, a needed insight. Never doubt that you are not here for a reason. Give yourself permission to feel how important your role is in the scheme of life. Every cell of our body is necessary even though it is expendable. The biology always is. But the soul...never! Looking forward to hearing from some of you brave souls who long to share your wisdom and your light.

The Voice of Sorrow

The past couple of days have given me some time to reevaluate our blog. I call it "our" blog because I envision it someday as a place for women to come and share their voices safely, speaking out about all things that move their heart and soul to wholeness. I have come to expect that all things change; I trust that this forum will rise up to its purpose and serve everyone. The last entry concerned our community's fear and sorrow. Today I voice how deeply our small Southern California community of Poway has been rocked by the randomness of Chelsea King's death. We have become a point of national attention. In a community that boasts to have one of the lowest crime rates in America, we have been rocked to our core.

I realize that part of the grief is not only the randomness of it, but it is also the expectation we carry. While we grieve the loss of a parent or loved one after living a long fruitful life, it is an expected grieving. We face death under those circumstances with acceptance. To have it visit our door via a young, hopeful daughter who only wanted to serve her community and her world is something that is hard to wrap our heads around. The sorrow for what seems unfair can be consuming and the grief can feel eternal and endless. Chelsea's death is one of many sons and daughters who leave too soon, for random, senseless acts. It is a stark reminder that death is part of life.

Elizabeth Lesser's insight on death in her book "Broken Open" suggests that we learn to "practice dying" every day so we can live. She tells us that to practice dying "...means living as close to reality as we can in each moment." It is being able to live our lives, each day, fearlessly. Life is continual change, moving, and evolutionary in nature. History tells us that we all must die. But while we live and we practice living fearlessly, we must also respect the nature of our world and resist taking unnecessary risks that might hurry this evolution along. For Chelsea, her sacrifice has exposed a dangerous person who needed to be removed from society. In the meantime, please hold her sacrifice in gratitude and her parents, her young brother in you prayers. Hold us all in prayer for our understanding and healing.

Broken Open...When There is No Voice

I was going to write about something different today. But life has a way of moving in and redirecting our plans. When I decided to create the WWAV blog, the first and foremost thought in my mind was that I wanted it to be a safe place for women to express their points of view. We are, by nature, an amazing gender. We carry so much of the world in our hearts. We work hard, whether we are working outside our homes or staying at home and working diligently to keep our homes in order. For many women, they work both jobs and do it masterfully.

Today, however, I write to ask you to lift your voices to prayer for a mom, and a dad, and a brother, and a community. Last Thursday, their daughter was abducted and as yet has not been found. They have arrested the person responsible. There is no sight of Chelsea, their daughter, and yet her parents have kept their dignity, their hope, and their voices so clear and so strong. Their courage has humbled me. Their circumstances terrify me. Their sorrow and pain are at the core of every parent I know.

So hold this family in your heart, in your prayers. However you pray, hold them deeply, and securely, daily, moment by moment, in your prayers. Let your voice rise to heaven for the sacredness of this very tenuous life and for this family who so needs your voice.