The Voice of New Beginnings

Today is the end of a 2010. It seems to me that the most focused and determined I am seems to bubble up this time of year. January 31st finds me sitting on the threshold of newness, like a child getting ready to enter Disneyland. It's how I think an artist must feel when looking at a blank canvass, all the potential and possibility for the picture they see in their minds to be translated to this untouched slate.Then this little nagging thought occurred to me: our gym! I know that beginning even tomorrow it will be packed and by February or March things will be back to "business as usual." In talking with a friend today, the biggest question that I am confronting is "who am I taking into 2011 with me?"

I don't know why I lose steam...or for that matter, why anyone does. I am sure it has been studied and thousands of books and periodicals have been written, analyzing this very human trait. People have spent millions of dollars seeking advice, counsel, and personal training to prevent this stalemate. The truth is none of us like to wander too far from our comfort zone. That means CHANGE and oh yes, that means changing our MINDS and then DOING something about it! I have found that my life is like a moving train; once a new direction is decided upon it takes time for momentum to change direction or shift to another track. It's a hard thing to do, to keep that momentum of change alive until the habits of one's life picks up steam, moving us in the direction we really want to go. The saddest thing about NOT going forward is regret. Retrospect is an awful thing, when we look back and realize that we could have made the effort; we could have made the choice.

My New Year's wish for everyone and for myself is to face down with determination our own stubborn resistance. To first CHANGE our minds and then take ACTION to make it happen. If you want better health, I wish for you conscious awareness and exercise! If you want better financial security, I wish for you the right education, job or opportunity! If you want more loving relationships,I wish for you patience, kindness, compassion, and loving honesty so that others will respond and follow your lead! If you wish a deeper connection to something greater than yourself or to a cause, then I wish for you to follow your deepest heart and follow your intuition. Mostly, I wish for you the kind of 2011 that fills your heart and soul with joy and satisfaction, a year that sustains you and makes every day a good day to awaken to! Happy New Year everyone!!!

The Voice of Discontent

We have all heard the voice of discontent, moving in to spoil our peace of mind and appreciation of any given moment. We let it whisper or sometimes scream in our thoughts, echoing a mistaken belief that we have been living with. I had the most wonderful gift in the form of discontent a few weeks ago. It's a silly story really, but one worth repeating because it led me to the notion that even that voice is only trying to point out something that I needed to be grateful for.

Our lawn is large and while I could be out there mowing it, manicuring it, weeding it, we are blessed to have a crew who comes in and regularly cares for it. After mowing, they use a blower. I HATE THE SOUND OF THE BLOWER!  One day I was feeling a little edgier than usual. The constant, grinding...loud...buzz was moving my peace of mind right out the door. Then a little voice said STOP!!! I began to count the blessings of our home. One, we have a home and one I love. Two, we have a yard where our children played and where our grandchildren now play. Three, I didn't have to mow the lawn! Once I opened the gate to a grateful heart, all the other reasons came flooding in. I had a family and children and grandchildren. I have a husband who loves me and whom I love! I had my health! Oh yes, did I mention I didn't have to mow the lawn?? It became apparent to me that my discontent was a whisper reminding me to stop and pay attention to what was right in front of me!

I have realized that many of the things that I feel discontent about is more about my interpretation than it is about what is happening. I have painted myself into plenty of corners, feeling there was no way out, until I realized that I was holding the paintbrush and could simply paint a door on the wall behind me and walk out of it! While my life has not been without challenges, and plenty of them, as I get older I realize that my discontent made many things far worse than they were. Like Scrooge looking back at Christmas Past, I wish I could have listened with a gentler ear to my discontent and what it was trying to tell me. But awareness is everything; so next time it pops its little head in to say hello I am simply going to stop and count my blessings!!!

The Voice of Wishes

Winter brings with it such a time of magic and wishing. As a little girl, I yearned and wished for that first snowfall. To me there was nothing more wondrous than to see those first snowflakes and then to awaken to a blanket of untrodden sheets of white. Making snowmen and sledding down hills was the most fun I remember having as a child. Even though it was cold, I was unburdened with driving and shovels and paying the heating bill. Sometime its just nice to remember being a kid.

As I grew up my wishes became more things that I wanted for myself than for something as sweet and simple as that first snowfall. I am short so I wished to be taller; I wished I was thinner; I wished for my hair to be thicker or my ears to be smaller. My wishes extended into wishing for more, or better, or different. I had a friend once tell me that if wishes were fishes, we would all have nets! As exasperatingly frustrating as it was to hear this, he was right. I am a learning the importance of listening to my secret wishes; they tell me so much about who I am and the direction I am headed. If it's a smart wish (like wanting to be in better shape) that is something I can DO something about. If it is a wish to be taller, well that is just silly and wastes my emotional, mental and physical energy.

I know that great teachers have graced our planet and told us who we are and what we do is unique and more important than what we have or what we look like. It's a challenging task to do that given the media blitz that can carry wishing to a new level, especially this time of year. I have come to this: my wish for you (and for me) is to stop wishing we were taller or smaller or leaner or fatter or richer or different. My wish for all of us is to simply wish that we could appreciate and love who we uniquely are, with all our quirks and shortcomings, but more importantly with all our gifts and talents. Let us not bury those talents under distractions or excuses or habits or senseless wishing that hide them away. Whether you celebrate with a tree or not, may you awaken Christmas morning and may all your wishes come true!

The Voice of the Bullet Train

Our daughter gave us a gift, a little sign with a sweet saying on it..."We do not remember the days, we remember the moments (Pavese). I was looking at it this morning while making breakfast and I realized that the only way to have moments is to be present. But if you are like me...or most people, present moments are more like the whirling scenery from a bullet train. Precious moments speed by us and we hardly know what we have seen. Like spinning around in a circle those precious moments become blurs. Holidays are the worse kind of bullet trains.

Some of my best moments have been when the kids were little. Baking cookies, making ornaments, turning out all the lights before bedtime and looking at the Christmas tree. Children have a way of slowing us down. They remind us that we cannot move quickly through moments. They are still learning and small and thus, are one of our greatest teachers for capturing moment. I remember my kids having fun just looking for four leaf clovers. I don't remember the last time I stopped to do that. Older people cause us to slow down. I remember taking walks with my grandmother and we would never walk quickly. She would stop every once in a while and look at a pine tree or a flower. Older people cannot move quickly either. Years cause bone and sinew to demand our deliberate action. At this point in my life I would prefer to believe it is wisdom that slows us down and not physical limitations.

It seems the bookends of our life teach us more about living than the middle. One one end of the bookend we have the wonderment of firsts; the other end of the bookend offers us the treasure chest of wisdom. It occurred to me this morning, looking at the sign, I still have some middle left. I think I will take the advice of my younger self that has seen the new and my older self that hopefully awaits my arrival, and take their sound advice. Bullet trains are nice, but they take you to the end a lot faster!

The Voice of Magic

 This time of year always takes me back to the earlier days when I was a little more naive and believed in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and all those wonderful imaginary and magical beings. Our mom was magic and she believed in magic up until the day she left this fine planet. I think that the voice of magic is a good voice, it lifts us up and keeps us looking for the better part of ourselves and others. December for me is like a trip to Disneyland. Even though it brings a Mount McKinley size pile of stress, it also ushers in the stardust.

Life has a way of hemming us in and boxing off the magic that exists all around us. I have been fortunate in my life to have some pretty magical things happen to me; experiences that keep reminding me that there is more than what I see or what I think I know. But I lose sight of that and when I do everything takes on a smudgy grayness that hides the good from my life. Regardless of the way you celebrate the holiday season, it is meant to be a reminder that life is renewable. I celebrate Christmas and for me it has a magical voice. It is a reminder that even in the dead of winter I can be renewed and reborn to a better me.

Realists are needed in our world, I suppose. But for me, if I could fly like Santa, I would sprinkle a little bit of magic into everyone's heart. I think it would awaken the dreamer, the passion, the love and kindness that is innate in most of us, if not everyone. Einstein said that imagination if everything. I don't know if you can visit that "nation" if you do not believe in magic. We are hardly the designer but we are, each of us, given a magic wand at birth to create our lives. It's up to us to figure out how to use that magic wand. It does come with instructions if we are silent and conscious enough to take out the instruction books and read them. I wish you magic this season. I wish you a heart so full that you can believe in the possibility of love and endless peace. Valleys are necessary in life but the mountain sits there, just waiting for the wings of magic to carry us to the top. Personally, I just have to remember to move my feet!!!

The Voice of Need

Many years ago I was talking with an acquaintance. She and her husband had visited a third world country, somewhere on an ocean. Her trip had taken place when the weather was warm. Wanting to see the countryside, she and her husband had signed up for a tour of the area. The beauty was spectacular, she had related. In fact it was stunningly, breathtakingly beautiful. As they climbed a mountain road they came upon a small humble home that faced the ocean. Surrounded by the home were plentiful trees bearing fruit. A small garden was outside the home. There was no electricity or running water as far as she could tell. The family greeted the vacationers warmly and as they drove away my friend thought, "How sad, they live in so much poverty."

At the time I heard the story I thought, "They may be one of the richest people on earth." Honestly, I do not know how I would do living without the luxuries of my everyday conveniences. How I would do if I could not jump in my partially hybrid car and drop down to the store to pick up dinner. But I happen to know, for all certainty, that having money does not create peace or happiness. It certainly takes the heat off when we have the basics provided, e.g., food, shelter and clothing. But I happen to know a lot of people who have a lot of money who are not happy. I also know people who are struggling financially who are not happy. I have come to believe that joy and happiness only arrive on our doorstep when we are at peace with our lives. No matter what our lives look like. Accepting what is, being present...all the things I have been taught by people far wiser than I.

I wish for all of you, during this season of "Peace and joy on earth" to stop for a moment and count the many hundreds of blessings in your life. Did you know that it takes over 300 different people to bring that box of macaroni and cheese into your cupboard? Or that there are trees outside of your home waiting for you to really enjoy their beauty? If you passed from this world today, would any of your worries matter? I cannot guarantee it, but probably they would not. I think about that family living on that mountain, engulfed by the beauty of their peace and I stop and give thanks for the thousands and thousands of conveniences that grace my door and my life. May you be peaceful, may you be loving, may you be kind...that is the kind of wealth no one can take from us.

The Voice of Presents

As we enter into this sacred time of year, regardless of your religious orientation, it is a time of family stress and demands that sometimes strip the beauty of this season from our hands. I know that not only myself, but family and friends alike, struggle with the demands of this time of year. More demanding and stressful, however, are the demands that we place on ourselves where our families are concerned. Even if your family experience is filled with joy and love, holidays bring out the "to do" list in a way that is exponentially more intense than other times of the year.

It has taken me a long time to recognize that most of the stress I feel is self-imposed. The stress that plays across my mind is like a relentless ticker tape, fooling me into believing that my perceptions are the only perceptions. It's been the story I tell myself about what is happening that sucks the energy out of my heart and soul at a time when I need all the energy I can gather!! I have been planning our Christmases for almost 40 years (yikes!!!) and regardless of how I stress, how homesick I have been or how much I have missed my kids, every holiday happens regardless of how I stress about it. "This too shall pass" is not just an axiom, it is fact. If I have learned anything about the quality of this time of year, it is dependent upon my personal perception. The sacredness of my life has everything to do with how I show up, mentally and emotionally.

St. Paul wrote in Corinthians that "when I was a child, I spoke and acted as a child but when I became an adult, I gave up childish things." The sacredness of this time of year teaches me that it is a time of endings and the seedlings of new beginnings. It is a time to be present, to be loving and patient...not only with my family who I love more than my life but with the stranger who is stressed and making their way through the freeways and lines of the holiday madness. For all the gifts we shop for, for all the things we think we need or that we buy for someone else, there is no greater gift than the present of our presence! With that thought, we should all put a big bow around our shoulders and show up for our family in ways that matter. I can think of no better gift that I would like to see under my tree!

The Voice of the Teacher and Student

Perhaps you can recall teachers who have made a significant impact on your life, someone who reminded you or taught you something of significance. It might have been new information, such as from a scholastic experience; it might have been a mature relative, such as a grandmother or grandfather; it could also be that of a spiritual teacher, minister or counselor. We assign the "label" of teacher to people like this but we rarely consider the fact that we are each a teacher and a student as we journey through our life experiences.

For those of us who chose to be parents, we want to believe that we are the teachers when in fact, many times, we are the student if we are paying attention. Children offer immediate feedback to us because they truly are the mirrors that tell us a lot about ourselves. Then there are the teachers that are like finger nails on a chalk board. And of course, there are the "teachers" who drive with us on our roads, or stand in the long holiday lines at stores or block our path down an isle because they might be distracted looking for that special gift for someone they love. We are also blessed to have friends and family as teachers and I will allow for all of us to consider the deepest meaning of that idea!!!

I always wanted to believe that teaching involved positive, uplifting kinds of things: new information, insights, skills, directions, etc. What I have found is that teaching and learning is more about edgy kinds of things because being a student requires a willingness to learn new things, to be self reflective without being overly critical of ourselves. The truth is, few of us want to change. Teaching also requires that we offer what we know with loving kindness and assume that when the student is ready what we have shared might one day be absorbed...which turns the teacher into a student. We teach by example more than by word. We learn from example more than from lecture. What I have learned is that when the discomfort scrapes hard enough at my soul, I become the humble student. During this holiday season, let us all be humble willing students and wise patient teachers. We have so much to gain from letting these two roles shake hands and partner us into a better life.

The Voice of Paranoia

I just finished reading an email about all the things this particular person CANNOT do anymore because of all the warning emails that have come into her basket over the years. It is quite comical but it is also extremely sad. The internet is an amazing tool that when used with responsible intention is powerful and good. Unfortunately, the ABUSE ...(Another Blaming Unkind Selfish Excuse to spread ones own prejudice or fear) has hurt many people today, even causing suicide among our youth. Perhaps this message can also be about freedom. With freedom comes great responsibility. Just because I CAN does not mean it is right, kind, or helpful. The beauty and freedom of the internet is also the beast and it is up to us to know which one we want to feed.

Don't get me wrong, fear is a very helpful warning signal that we have developed through years of human evolution. If we listen to it carefully it can guide us into safety and even keep us from playing odds that are not in our favor. It also keeps others safe until doing the right thing is automatic.We have to pay attention to our fear. When we take command of it, it can be our friend. If it takes hold of us, life becomes limited and fear keeps us separated (ie, I am afraid to trust others or myself) or in the extreme (I won't leave my house, aka agoraphobia) or the worst kind of fear (he/she does not think, act, pray, sound, or look like me). Fearing the future is really what fear is based upon and it feeds the perception of being alone and helpless. When President Roosevelt said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" it may have been the most important words of the 20th century. We need to be mindful of his advice in the 21st.

We have a lot of things to be concerned about in our world today. I am a baby boomer so I have to say that there has always been a lot to be afraid of in the world. It's not that the world has changed so much as our ability to get information has changed. Our life experiences teach us to be cautious. But in fairness to the life we are meant to live, it makes sense not to feed that mouse of fear until it mutates into a T-Rex. "Let not your hearts be troubled, nor let them be afraid" is a promise and a wonderful prayer to make as we begin our day. Beware of messages that feed your fear and keep you separated from the love you might receive, the life you might live. Maybe putting all those emails into the junk file just might be the order of the day!!!

The Voice of Have To

The holidays are upon us and our "have to" list is going to grow exponentially. In addition to the normal "have to" demands of my life, I also have to add planning a dinner for a group, shopping for gifts, social events, and the crowds that come with all the wonders of the holidays. I have this "have to" voice that is constant. Like an administrative assistant, she is always reminding me that I need to take care of something. If it isn't her voice, it is the voice of my washer, dishwasher, email notices, car, all dinging at me to remind me that they need attention. Have I exhausted you yet?

One day I was reminded that all the things I label as "have to" are "get to." We have dear neighbors who travel to areas of strife and help the citizens in those communities rebuild their lives after disasters. Currently, Haiti is the focus. I also spent one night this week packing Christmas boxes for children in third world countries who may have never before, nor ever again, (as a child) receive a present. Then I came home to our home and looked at all the pictures of my beautiful children and grandchildren, my husband waiting for me with a fire burning, my beginning stack of gifts purchased for Christmas, the warmth of our surroundings, and the food in our refrigerator and I was reminded that I get to take care of all these things.

I am hopeful that these little reminders this week will be continually present in my conscious mind as I go forward in my life. I get to clean our home for the family members that will be celebrating the holiday with us; I get to shop because I have the resources to do so, I get to pay my bills for the same reason. I get to walk our dogs because we have these incredible beings in our life who love us unconditionally. I get to sit here, in the comfort of my kitchen, and write these messages to others, hoping they will inspire at least someone to stop long enough to count their blessings. That is, after all, what Thanksgiving is for.

The Voice of Grace

I play golf, it's one of the things I enjoy doing although I am not an avid, crazy, "have to be on the golf course" kind of player. I am more of a fair weather player. One of the people in the group I play with is advanced in age. She has been diagnosed with onset Alzheimer's and just had surgery to remove a melanoma from her face. Face bandages in tact and a smile on her face, she came to our luncheon today wearing lipstick because she trusted us as friends to simply love and support her. Girlfriends are like that, we rally around challenges our friends have.

The most beautiful thing about our friend is how sincerely dignified and full of grace she is for all the misfortunes she faces. Not so simply, she offers me the opportunity to weigh my own choices; how do I want to react or respond to life? Every time I am with her I ask myself questions; could I be so kind or grateful? Could I walk with such grace?

When the Chilean miners were buried for over two months this year, a friend posed these question to me: Who would you want to be with under those circumstances? Would you even chose yourself? I would definitely choose my friend. There is something calming and reassuring about her. Her obvious gratitude for anyone's kindness, the respect she shows others and her genuine authenticity, are markers of someone anyone would want to spend time with, especially in a deep dark hole for an extended period of time. She reminds me that the voice of grace allows for things to be 10% better or worse than what they are. Grace's virtue says to our hearts that this too shall pass so take hold of the moment and embrace it's gifts. The world can be challenging, especially in these times. I loved being with her today. It was simply a taste of grace.

The Secret Voice

Secrets can be juicy and fun.If you have ever made a surprise visit or thrown a surprise birthday party, you know how fun it can be to present someone with the gift of surprise. Remember when we were kids and we could not wait to sneak a peak at the presents from "Santa" that were resting in the back of our parents' closet? Those kinds of secrets are fun and exhilarating. The smiles and joy and laughter that comes with the surprise gift from a secret will create moments frozen in time. I think of them as ice cream to the soul.

Then there are the secrets that a person holds on to for reasons known only to them. Having lived a full life, I have seen the darker side of secrets that I believe most of us have hidden in our life's archive. Sometimes it is better left unknown. Being human and fallible, it may be wise to keep those broken moments to ourselves, especially if we learn from them. Then there are the secrets that hurt us the most; the ones we hide because if known would call us to accountability for our lives and the relationships within our lives that require our integrity. We all know the difference between the "juicy, ice cream" kind of surprise and the other kind that feels like cloak and dagger. To use a well known example, think of Richard Nixon and the secrets around Watergate. It left a devastating scar on his life, his family and the country.

It is not my intention to make this a moral forum. It is a forum for reflection that asks us all to lightly examine our lives. Socrates said "An unexamined life is not worth living." When a master painter is designing his canvas, he steps back and changes the direction of his colors and his art until they flow together. Our life is a canvas, it is up to us to use the stroke of our hand via the choices we make. Each choice is a stroke of paint that creates the picture we want to step into. A secret life is harmful if it can harm you or the people you love. I have learned if what I am seeking has to be pursued under a cloak of deception, it quite possibly is a dark alley that I simply do not want to enter. Ben Franklin said, "Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember anything." Keeping to sweet secrets makes for a sweeter life, not just for the people you love but for the peace it will give to you.

The Voice of Freedom

As I sit, preparing to study the many propositions and candidates that are running in our crippled State, I thought about my Grandmother who was an entrepreneur and maverick of her time. Born in 1900, she was at an early age, a widow and mother of two daughters, a professional who worked outside the home, an investor in real estate, and a strong and verbal advocate for her political points of view. While she did not march in any suffrage for Women's Right to Vote because of her youth (she was able to vote on her 21st birthday), she was well aware of the limitations placed on our gender. She treasured her rights as a woman; she never surrendered her right to have a voice or to chase down success. She used her voice and everyone who knew her had no question what she meant when she spoke.  

Having and using  your voice does not insure that you are right, or that you will be victorious or get your way.  Using your voice in a responsible and life affirming way is a gift that only freedom can give us. It occurred to me that my perceptions of my voice and how I use it completely depends upon on how I perceive freedom, specifically my freedom. You cannot be a sissy and live in freedom. To live in a country where we can walk, speak, and worship without government intervention or dictates comes at a great price. Freedom does not mean "doing whatever I want." Freedom means taking responsibility for every action we take and being mature enough to live with the consequences of our free choice.

Less than 100 years ago the 19th Amendment to the Constitution was passed giving women the right to vote in our country. We have not even celebrated a century of our right to have a voice in our government. Women were persecuted and imprisoned for demanding equal rights; they were beaten and publicly shamed for their outrageous assumption that our gender should have a say in government. To choose not to vote today because it is a waste of time or to define it as "it doesn't matter because my vote will not count anyway" or worse yet, to be indifferent, is an insult and travesty to the women who fought hard to make sure our voices could/would be heard. I heard a recent comment on NPR that suggested that voting does not secure our victory but secures a place in history for change. Please make sure you vote this coming election. Give your voice permission to be heard.

Another Voice of Love

In the Whole Living magazine, October 2010 edition, an article caught my attention that has solidified the idea for me that love, while a wonderful feeling, is more a verb than it is an emotion. The article, The Love Experiment posed this simple question: "What if one question could change all your relationships?" Seems easy...simple, doesn't it? We are all looking for a magic bullet, something of a microwave solution that lies outside of us that will come into our lives (money, a person, the perfect job, someone changing their behavior, etc) so we can be happy, peaceful even.

The question was proposed by the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh. If you do know of him, you will understand. If you do not then I would invite you to "meet" him. His thoughtful question? "Please tell me how I can love you better?"  The author of the article made a commitment to spend the next 30 days of her life living this question. It takes courage to ask this question. It takes a sure footed sense of ones self to expose our hearts to such a question. What the author found when she asked the question were surprising answers that were easy for her to respect and respond to.

"Please tell me how I can love you better?" also implies that I am making a commitment to be the best version of myself that I know I can be. That perhaps I will set aside my fears and my concerns and really listen to what you have to say. Discovery of what matters sometimes gives us permission to release the choke hold we have on life. If I can know how to love you better, I can know how to love myself better. We are told that love is kind, it is does not envy nor boast nor make a vain display; love does not rejoice in someone's failings, but rejoices who they are; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. It never fails and is the greatest of all things. These ideas are ancient and yet have endured all the psychosis of mankind. Share your love today, in a different way. It just might change your life.

The Voice of Laughter

Recently our family was blessed with a new baby girl. She finds herself in the good company of two other cousins, all born within the past four years. I look at our grandchildren, especially when they have newly arrived, and deeply and consciously understand that life renews itself everyday. That life is a tapestry woven not just with duty, and obligation, and tasks, but is also filled with miracles and reasons to have hope. It also gives us so many opportunities to laugh out loud. The innocence of children is our greatest antidote to illness and the blahs. As adults, we loose touch with the joy of childhood; it gets buried in the drudgery of our "to do" lists. Our grandchildren renew me and I feel hopeful and determined to be a contributor to their lives in a positive, rooted way.

When I think about children, one of the things that most inspires me is their laughter. It is far more infectious than a flu virus and, unlike the flu virus, creates a wellness within us that is undeniable. Laughter simply rocks our world! We need it, as much as we need air. Being around new life injects my heart and soul with boundless life. The world, now more than ever, needs our laughter. Not to ignore or pretend the serious issues do not exist, because they do. With the internet and the news, it is hard to dodge the hard balls being thrown at us every day. What if we could all take a moment, maybe stretch it into a day, and just laugh at ourselves and the contradictions of life that surround us at every turn?

I was blessed to spend the past few weeks with my children and my grandchildren. New births are like that, they pull you away from the everyday tasks and drop you deep into a well of simply being in the moment. Throughout that time, I have laughed at so many things; the gurgles of a baby, the stories and logic of my four year old granddaughter, the french fries up the nose of my 2 year old grandson, and the stories of my children, recalling their own funny stories from their childhood. Our oldest son read passages from "#&^% My Father Says" .. a new book by Justin Halpern. Between the innocence of the new lives that surrounded us and the gut-wrenching laughter induced from Halpern's book, I feel better than I have felt in years. Take a moment today and laugh...it renews you and truly is the best medicine!!

How Does Your Voice Represent Your Clan?

We are all bilingual...not in the accepted definition but through how we live our lives, what we do, how we act, the prejudices we might have, the love we feel in our hearts. It never occurred to me, until recently, that perhaps my every action and word represented to the world how others might define my "clan." For me, my clan is made up of Americans, females, mothers, authors, sisters, daughters, nieces, secretary, volunteers, auto drivers, Caucasians, my chosen faith, and all the beliefs that come with having lived through six decades. When I considered that, I was humbled to think that others see me as one of a larger group...dare I say, senior citizens!

I realized how easily we generalize when someone's behavior lines up with something we don't like. I began to understand that I needed to pay attention to how I acted in a world that is no longer private but more like a glass house. This is not about the mistakes that come from being human; this is about our attitude and generally how we act or react to life. I think we are all entitled to mistakes. I just decided to ask myself, if who I am and what I say and do is representative of the people I love, of the clan I belong to, how do I want to represent them? There was a small shift for me when I asked myself that question. I simply do not want my behavior to give someone permission to vilify any of my clan.

I have decided to ask myself the following questions: How do I want others to see women? How do I want others to see my mother, grandmother, sister, nieces, ... generally, the women in my life? How do I want people to see people of my faith? How do I want others to see me as a wife, as a mother, or more simply, as a driver on the highway? It is not that I want approval; where that might have once been a factor, it no longer is. The question I am asking myself now is "how do I want others to see those whom I might represent?" I do not want to add to the lies that circulate in people's opinions; I would much rather be the purer representation of the best of my clan. Think how this might change the world!!!

Do You Really Want to Know?

Sometimes "knowing" means "no-ing." Recently my doctor asked if I wanted to have a test that would tell me whether or not I was a candidate for Alzheimer's. I immediately said "no." My inner voice did not, in the least, contest my immediate answer. If I had made the decision hastily, it (my own personal version of Jiminy Cricket) might have asked, "are you sure?" For me, having this information, would have been detrimental to my health. In my world, knowing what "might happen" is simply TMI.

I remember when each of our children left home and began living their lives outside the nightly supervision of a parent's watchful eye. It might have been better had we known some things, but some things are better left unknown. I was relieved to be able to go to sleep at night, not listening for their cars to pull up in the driveway or the door to be opened so I could at last go to sleep. I am not suggesting that everything is better left in the dark. I am simply suggesting that sometimes we seek answers where we really do not want to ... I mean SINCERELY do not want to... KNOWwhat that answer might be.

At a time of information overload and a great need by society to keep up with the next saga of Lindsey Lohan's misadventures, maybe we would all gain a great deal of peace of mind to not know all the details. I am the type of person, had I opted for the Alzheimer's test and received bad news, would have fretted about it for the rest of my cognitive days. What do you want to know? Is there anything that tugs at your fascination that might be better left buried? Some things, I believe, are like seeds. If they are to be known, they will sprout above the surface. If they are not to serve anyone then they are better left ungerminated, buried deeply in the dark soil of life experience. In the meantime, I am drinking my water, taking my EFA oils, and exercising my brain...in spite of what that Alzheimer's test might have had to say!

What about silence?

I designed this forum because I wanted a place for women (and really anyone) to find their voice. As I commune with my girlfriends, I find that most women do not know how to comfortably ask for what they want. I certainly did not know how to do that. So I finagled, and I emoted, and I sometimes begged, for what I wanted. All these actions came from weakness and fear. What I learned was that forthrightness, when partnered with our voice, has power and meaning and clarity. It is a far more thoughtful process. But as I learn to have a strong, rooted, positive voice, I am also learning the absolute necessity for silence.

I have, adorning my computer on a small sticky, a reminder that says "A silent voice is sweet to hear." Sometimes saying nothing at all says more than any words can say. Another way to say it is "Let the mud settle before taking any action." The concepts are each and both quite the same, and yet subtly different arrows that point to the value of silence.

Have you ever really listened when there is a blackout or brownout? The whole world lays silent at our feet, asking us to listen. We are so inundated with noise and hums. It takes supreme effort to sit with silence...to not turn on that radio or tv early in the morning. It takes courage to sit with jumbled thoughts and anxiety when things are not what we would wish for them to be. The conundrum of it all is that the only way to find our voice is to listen to the silence. To find a way through the tangled cords of our psyche and let the Universe or God hold us gently in Her arms until we find the peace we need to know. The "know" I speak of is the intuitive power of knowing that shows us which way to go, what to do, which road to take, what words to say. To learn more about how to do this, take a walk with Ekhart Tolle (www.echarttolle.com). In the meantime, I invite you into the silence, to this very sacred and privileged space.

The Voice of Want

During the consulting portion of a recent visit to my doctor, he looked at me and said he knew no one who was content in their lives. That is a telling statement for a person to make who knows so many. I have thought a lot about that statement and how it applies to my own life. Contentment is something that has a lot more value to me now than it did, say, even five years ago. The voice of "want" chased away my contentment, leaving a vacuum of longing where contentment might have otherwise made its bed.

I think the world is empty for all the want. Want, need and goals are completely different things...even given that semantics sometimes might demand them be synonymous. I need air to breathe, I need to wear clothing to protect my skin (and keep me out of jail!), and I need food and water to nourish me. Those kinds of needs are important. Many I personally know are blessed as I am to have those needs met. As for goals, I have many. Those goals take discipline and focus and action. In the past, I saw those goals as being "wants" but have come to the wisdom that they are not only NOT the same, they are diametrically opposed concepts.

Wanting is an empty room whose door is falsely labeled "need." Want's room is filled with achingly unstable furniture that offers no solid support and is easily collapsed. If I "want" my past to be different, if I "want" to be the best, the top, the richest, if I "want" you to do, be, act differently; if I "want" that car, house, pair of jeans, at the expense of my balanced budget; if I "want" anything that is presently absent (and unneeded -- see definition in paragraph 2), then I am left achingly empty, frustrated, and discontent. Every day the world tells us what we "want" and diminishes the "have" that we are all blessed with in life. I do not know what the"wants" are that hold you captive. If you are caught in a swirling mud hole of "want" I simply hope that you somehow escape it's false snare. It's not quicksand, it's only mud! And mud...well, it can always be washed away with a little soap, some clear water, and a clear thinking heart.

The Voice of Trust

There is only one certainty in life and that is that all things pass. The first time I heard this, I was horribly disappointed! It does not matter whether it is good or bad things...evolution is part of the life experience. Even knowing this with our practical minds, our hearts want all the good things to stay and all the bad things to depart. Time, however, has other plans for us and so we travel down the twists and turns of the road of life and wonder sometimes, "What's it all about, anyway?"

The challenges that come with change and the oft uncertainty can challenge our trust to its core. Someone once told me, if God was truly a vengeful God, He/She would answer all our prayers. I think of the times I have been spared something that I thought at the time I absolutely would die without. If we are lucky and are able to give into the urge to think that life is against us, usually it is in our favor and simply asking us important questions that we don't always want to answer. In truth, all things can work together for our good and the good of others if we simply allow for that.

I think this is where trust comes into play. It is learning to trust, even in the deepest part of adversity, that all things happen for a reason that sometimes is beyond our grasp. It is also to trust that you will know which road to take, which choice to choose, which train or plane get on. Trust is learning to listen to that small, sweet whisper that is always trying to get our attention. We just have to become quiet enough to listen to it, that's all. It's simple, but not easy. Trust is the nugget we get from having lived through life. The very thing we could not live without becomes the blessing we do not have. Even in heartache, the sun still comes up and we still live through it. The trick is not to step into the same traps, once we have learned our lessons. Perhaps the person we need to learn to trust the first and most is ourselves. If we can do that, if we can listen to that voice of trust, everything else will take care of itself.

The Voice of Kindness

I am a golfer, or at least I'm a wanna be golfer! Golf is one of those games that, unless played regularly and consistently, is a source of constant inconsistency. Today, I played with two beautiful women who are in their seventies or older. It was an honor to be with them on the golf course. They were gracious and kind and were pretty darn good golfers too!! One of them is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. I don't know how many of you who read my blog have had experience with this disease but it is, in the very least, heart breaking. It is also frightening for those who, in the beginning stages, know they are facing a life without their precious memories.

One of the things that I noticed today more than golf or my horrid score was the continual apology each of my teammates made for their individual "handicaps." I could tell that they were not always treated with respect, were not honored for the years they have lived. These were kind, gracious, loving women, not bitter or difficult in any way. What I noticed, sadly, is that we live in such an impatient society. We have come to expect our world to be a microwave world where everything happens fast and furious. A touch of a button gives us what we want, whether it is a dialed phone number, a dinner, or information. How can we have patience or give a voice of kindness for those in our society that move a little more slowly or who are unable to think quickly? We have lost our perspective.

Kindness is a voice of choice. It is made up of patience, and respect, and empathy. It is also an acknowledgment that I too, one day, may be faced with the side affects of aging, God willing. I saw in the faces of these two fine women today such gratitude and genuine humility for receiving the small voice of kindness. It reminded me to not expect everything yesterday, to honor the humanity of every living being...not just those who are seniors, but for our babies, our children, or family and loved ones, and our neighbors. So many today are facing tough economic times...but we all have a gift we can share with others that costs us nothing and has more value than gold. Wrap up a package of kindness today and give it to someone who could use it...you could be the biggest beneficiary!

Who Stirs Your Alphabet Soup?

Remember when we were little and our moms would make us alphabet soup? Good hot Campbells on a cold winter day. Those little letters would float around the top of the broth, bopping in and out. Sometimes we could even form words out of those little letters, like "cat" and "dog." Other times, if we were silly and creative, we could take mixed up letters and make our own words, with crazy definitions. At least, that is my memory with alphabet soup...probably was very telling that I would love the written word!

I don't believe our soup bowl ever empties. Rather, it simply gets fuller over time. Social influences, familial influences, friends, lovers, ex-lovers, events happy and sad...each add letters to our alphabet soup. Imagine that soup's broth having many, many layers of letters, and all those letters float to the surface when stirred, sending different messages to our (sub)conscious mind. The question I think is important to ask is, "Who is stirring my soup?" Is what I think really what I think? Is what I feel or interpret reasonable? Is my hand on the ladle or does a ghost or opinion have its grip on what I think my life is about? What we think, what we believe, is the beginning of our voice.

Metaphors are valuable if they help put the puzzle pieces of our life together. Within me, made up from all my life experiences, is a warm bubbling pot of fresh alphabet soup. I realized it was "crazy making" to be defined by my ghosts or my past. Many of those things no longer nourish me, as all good soup should. Wouldn't it be a blessing to wake up one day and be defined as brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous, knowing that all those attributes were born in us through our many, many life experiences? After all, we are children of a gracious and good God, as MarianneWilliamson pointed out. She asked us, "Who are we not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" So I choose to place my hand on the ladle and stir up my own, precious bowl of life soup. Anyone interested in joining me for lunch?

Your Voice Beneath the Plaster

This will be a somewhat unusual post. First, I want to share a story with you.

Wat Traimit, a temple in Thailand that dates back to the 13th century, today houses a Buddha statue whose ancient image is about 900 years old. When the Burmese were about to sack the city, it was covered in plaster to hide its value. Two centuries later, still in plaster, it was thought to be worth very little. But in 1957, when the image was being moved to a new temple in Bangkok, it slipped from a crane and was left in the mud by workmen. In the morning, a temple monk, who had dreamed that the statue was divinely inspired, went to see the Buddha image. Through a crack in the plaster he saw a glint of yellow, and discovered that the statue was pure gold. http://www.sacred-destinations.com/thailand/bangkok-wat-traimit-golden-buddha

This story inspired me to consider the correlation of our own spirit that lies innate in all of us. Like the monks who protected the statue, we too cover ourselves in our own form of plaster, designed to protect that very spirit. To me, the plaster is composed of many things, with perhaps many layers. Childhood trauma, social conditioning, judgment, hardships. The beauty of this analogy, is that despite the many layers of "plasters" we have applied to protect ourselves, beneath it all is pure gold. The purity of our Spirit, the light that seeks the crack, longing for expression and freedom. Had the presumed worthless statue never been dropped and cracked, perhaps the glistening gold would never have been discovered.

Today I was reminded that we are all born with innate gifts that are ours to give to the world. If your life feels as if you have been dropped from a crane, if you are indeed "cracking," then perhaps it is meant to unveil the deeply resonating gold of your soul. Hardships are never easy. Life can seem unfair. But in the end, it is up to us to allow that resident Divinity a voice, to allow the plaster to fall away, and trust that we are here for a reason. Given space, time, and patience, that reason will let itself be known. But like the monk who was inspired to look more closely, it is up to us to do the same...to take time to listen to the whisper from within.

The Voice of Inconsistency

I know that no one out there reading this ever does this...but do you have anyone in your life, friend, partner, or foe, who is inconsistent from one moment to the next in their communication? Of course, I never do it either...but I do have people in my life who are, well, THAT WAY! Of course, with a little closer self examination...well ...????? When Jimmy Buffet sang Margaritaville he spent the entire song coming to the conclusion "that hell, it's my own damn fault!!" Personally, I think it is a dance we all jitterbug to.

I realized, while playing golf yesterday, that inconsistency is a side product...and can be a very serious side product...of an inability to be present with the moment in front of us. Think of car accidents. Ekhart Tolle has been the master teacher at helping people consider what that means in life. If you have not enjoyed his work or are unfamiliar with him, then please consider this simple example. You are in a hurry and you run into the house, keys in hand, to get something you forgot. You set your keys down and then spend an extra five minutes looking for them before you can leave. I've done it a thousand times...and it is a painful case of lack of presence and a soulful waste of time.

Without showing up, in every moment, we shortchange ourselves out of life. Simple as that. If we are thinking or dwelling in the past, if we are worried or concerned about the future, it is because we are not taking care of the present. Remember when we were little and our parents taught us to cross the street? They would hold our hand, make us stop and wait at the edge of the sidewalk,have us look both ways, and not allow us to cross until we were sure the way was clear. What if we just took today, this moment, and practiced that? Think how different our lives might be. We might see an opportunity before us that we may have otherwise missed. We might get a chance to love the child in front of us, proudly showing us her artwork. We might see that sunset, or hear that inspiring whisper. They say the present is a gift...isn't time we all learned to unwrap it?

I'm My Own Hero

A few years ago I received a sweatshirt from my oldest son with the quote "I'm My Own Hero" printed on it. Above the quote sat a picture of him and I, sitting on Santa's lap, when he was a baby. I love that sweatshirt. Mostly because it's message is a reminder to be kind to myself. I love writing messages here and if there is an underlying theme to my messages, it is "Be Your Own Hero." It is not a matter of self-aggrandizement, but rather a sense of cherished value for your life and the influence your life has on others.

If you have a "hero" it could be beneficial to stop and think how you see that hero in your life. Have they done something extraordinary? Are they successful in life? Do they have extraordinary virtues? Are they teachers? Authors? Scientists? Philosophers? Mystical masters? Are they close to you? Are they stars or celebrities, or notable public figures? I did an exercise once where I was asked to pick five of my heroes and list five attributes for each. At the end of the exercise, we were asked to circle three of the most common attributes found among the five we had chosen. The theory was that the attributes we commonly listed were our own attributes, whether consciously lived or lurking beneath the surface in our subconscious. It would be a good exercise to do again.

Today, be your own hero. Write down all the amazing things you have done for yourself or others in your life. Make a list of the differences you have made simply being alive. Count your friends and your family, your life's work or your hobbies. This is a list that can always be edited, added to, or deleted from. Dig down and find the hero that exists within you, so you can draw on that hero when things become difficult or worrisome, or simply overwhelming. Take that hero into your moment, right now, and breath in the courage of that hero. That hero will not let you down, nor will it ever leave you. It is simply waiting there, in the shadows, for a hug.

Letting the Mud Settle

There is a beautiful Buddhist thought that goes something like..."Can you let the mud settle before you take action?" It came to me at a particular point in my life when I was hurrying to do something, anything, and reminded me to wait. Sometimes we forget to remember such wisdom. In our hurry-up world, a world where microwaving no longer means quick meals but expecting immediate results, this wisdom is easily pushed aside, less palatable.

It takes courage when life is throwing curve balls to stand still and simply dodge them. Our fight or flight instincts are strong; they kept us alive as we struggled to escape wild animals and the ravages of living in a cave. They have morphed, unfortunately, into mental fears that if given space and grace, would show themselves to be what they truly are...makings of our own tired imagination. I don't know about you, but so many of my reactions over the years (the results of NOT letting the mud settle) were simply re-runs (re-enactments) of the situation I was trying to avoid in the first place. Had I had the presence of mind to "let the mud settle" I might have ended up with some very different (and far more desired) results.

As a culture, we are not comfortable with silence or inaction. Inaction, by the way, is not the same as inertia...a theme for another blog. While the old west is long gone, most of us are still wearing our six-shooters at our hips, whipping them out and aiming when confronted with the inevitable challenges that life brings. Most times doing nothing, until the right response or direction is understood or clear, can bring us that longed for state of mind and body called "peace." It gives way for breath, and life and real solutions. It offers each other respect for the struggles all of us face from time to time. Letting the mud settle creates clear waters. We can then see the bottom of the pond, the path before us, the boulders or canyons that can harm us. Such wisdom, such insight, is priceless.

Whose Map Are You Using?

I believe that we are, for the most part, fiercely independent when it comes to choices we make, directions we go. Some have a harder time breaking away from parental or cultural influence, but even then...our souls long for their own expression. What I have found is that my own fierce independence often is overly influenced by my early childhood. Sometimes the voices of my family echo and bounce around in my head like ghosts in Scrooge's cold and dark home. There are times when these voices are good. I have, hopefully, learned from the good and the difficult experiences in my life. Other times, the messages I receive smother my own voice and keep me from taking the direction I feel is more "right" for me.

I guess the question for all of us to ask is Which map am I using as I move through each day of my life? My mentor once told me that even if I wanted to get to a place on a map, let's say New York, I could not get there if I did not know where I was starting from. And if I did not map out my own direction, I may unwittingly choose to take a road that was less suited to me. After all, the only thing that we truly own, the ONLY thing that is ours from first breath to last, is our own life. And the two most crucial traveling partners are wisdom and thoughtfulness. We all need a Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder!

So the question of whose map I use is critical to my own sense of success...and many times my measurement is very different by other people's measurement. My experience growing up was one of dogged determination mixed with "my way or the highway" mentality. The dogged part has served me well but the influence of superiority and false pride has not. It has taken me a long time to even hear those voices, let alone replace them. I have not found the stubbornness that comes from self pride to be a good road to take as I map my way through my days. I am learning to replace that stubbornness with self-confidence. There is a different feel of one to other. If I listen attentively, and check my own life's road map, I am slowly finding my way. It has been a long bumpy trip but I am willing to get on my own highway. Anyone up for a road trip?

How Do Your Hear Others?

This forum is designed to get people to think and today I want to ask a hard question. How do you hear or respond to another person's needs? A neighbor's beekeeping activity, after being asked not to do it, ended in the tragic loss of the next door neighbor's dear pet dog. Africanized, the bees swarmed the dog and it was stung over 200 times. Even after being asked not to pursue this interest in the neighborhood, the request was ignored and now the trust of these neighbors has been fractured, perhaps beyond repair. I think of the many times we make a request of someone we love and ignored, it ends in tragedy that could have been averted. Marriages, parent-child relationships, neighbors, countries. Arrogance is the deaf ears friend and reasoning and respect's enemy.

Sometimes it is so easy to become so focused on what we want or a mission that we must achieve that we lose sight of the affect it has on the people around us. The world suffers this malady and if we cannot even begin in a neighborhood, how can we ever live peacefully together? Certainly, arrogance is a quality that is hard to live with or next too. I am certain that in my own case, I have suffered moments of arrogance and it has left its mark on people I care for dearly. Not listening to another person's concern or insight can be not only hurtful, it can even be deadly as in the case of the beekeeper and his neighbor.

Perhaps it does us all a tremendous service to listen to others whom we share life with. It is a kindness and a respect we show others when we take the time to listen to what they have to say and to regard their true need seriously. As a child, I was not taught to do this and it took me a very long time to learn how to honor another person's perspective or request. Ego and arrogance are crutches we can no longer afford to walk with. Hearing what another says does not necessarily mean acquiescence. It means weighing the interests of everyone. Most times there is a common ground that can be struck...as long as we are not stuck on getting our way.

What do you tell yourself about a challenge?

The funniest thing happened to me today. Well, it may not make you laugh but it made me laugh at myself. I have a desktop computer and I was working at it when I became aware there was no sound coming from my speakers. I checked my speaker volume, went into my computer to make sure the sound had not been muted, and then reexamined the speakers. I had had some computer work done recently and a router replaced. It appeared to me, upon my expert examination, the technician had somehow unplugged my speakers. Assuming that I had the expertise to evaluate the problem, I unplugged everything and tried moving the speakers to another plug in option. There was none.

After climbing under my desk, after doing the two step with all the ridiculous wires found behind the bowels of my desk, after getting dusty and frustrated, I reexamined the speakers and discovered they were not turned on. I laughed out loud.

Today I realized that I often believe the answer is more complicated than it appears to be. I have somehow fooled myself into believing that all answers are complicated; that solutions do not come with only one or two parts, but have multiple and exaggerated wires that need to be untangled. It is not that all answers are easy, but I believe my experience today taught me that even complications may have an easier answer if I will simply pay attention and think more simply. If I can believe that life's problems really do come with a solution and usually that solution does not involve climbing behind furniture, dancing with dust bunnies, and becoming entangled in the wire maze of life I may be able to shortcut some of my challenges. Time for a glass of wine and some serious pondering!!

Perspective of an Eagle

Vacations can be fun but sometimes pull us away from things we love to do...like my blog! It is good to be back! Vacations also give us a time to reevaluate and consider our life "back home." I am not just speaking about the physicality of a residence, but the life that we lead when we are inhabiting that house we call home. I had a friend who once told me "If my husband had been vacation Joe all the time, we'd still be together." That says a lot about most of us; how we allow the stress of our daily lives to impact our perspective, our responses, and our reactions.

Our voice is often like a child, revealing to others our true perspective about any given situation. I remember my oldest son, as a child, was particularly verbal and outspoken and often asked, "Why is that lady so fat?" in the middle of a grocery store. Humiliating as it was, he was only curious and telling it like he saw it. As adults we rarely speak so honestly, but too often the things we say expose what is really lurking behind the sounds that come from our mouth. And those sounds, those words, that voice we use, begins with perspective.

Today I was asked to allow my perspective to be an eagle, sitting on a cliff, overlooking the landscape and taking in all the influences of any situation. Being an objective, eagle-lurking, detached human is not an easy thing to do. When asked to raise my perspective from the state of a rock, earthbound and stuck, to such an elevation, gave me permission to see how my own perspective often imprisons my responses (or should I say reactions) and keeps not only myself but others separated from any kind of real relationship with me. I want to, as the song sings to us, fly like an eagle, to be free. If I can give up my need to my opinion, my perspective, perhaps I will grow in a way that will give me peace and freedom. Opinions help guide us, but let them be the feathers in our wings and not cement weights that keep us limited and unhappy.

What does your voice say about change?

Ouch! Change is the most difficult thing we deal with in life and yet change is, without question, the only constant and dependable thing about life. We get fooled into thinking that things don't change. We drive our cars to work on the same roads everyday; we perhaps wake up in the same home every day; the sun comes up in the east every day and sets quietly into the west in the evening. Tides may come in, but dependably they go back out. But change...change happens every moment of every day of our lives, in the most minute of ways. We just don't see it.

That is what is so incredibly miraculous about change. It eventually makes itself known but it is constant, in the microchips of our daily life. Then one day we awaken and change hits us in the face and we wonder about it. We fight it. We cling to to what is familiar, even when it does not serve us. I remembering listening to my parents talk about the "good ole days" and completely missing the good days they were living in. We cannot fight change, anymore than we can fight growing from an infant into a child, into a mature adult. So why do we resist the idea of change so much? My resistance seems to come from the idea that by letting go to change might mean I was wrong, or might feel like defeat. Resisting change only made me ill. "This too shall pass," an ancient wisdom passed down by our ancestors, could be a mantra that would serve each of us.

Life is challenging enough without resisting what is natural about it. The events that cause change are built on small details, small events, and even smaller unconscious behaviors and decisions. I have realized that many of my own personal changes...to my health, my relationships, my environment...have all occurred over time. They didn't just show up one day. Many of the changes I have lived through would not have been so shockingly unnerving had I paid a little bit of attention or listened a little more closely...or followed my gut. Even before Mt.St. Helens erupted in 1980, the mountain gave warnings to the people who were paying attention. Sometimes we fight for change; sometimes we work hard for change; sometimes we fear change. We all get to choose how we face change. The question is: are you ready for it?

Bad News, No One Likes to Give it

I cannot believe I have not posted for as long as I have! Life has been scurrying along and time, like magic, became now! Only no magic, only choices and ... well life!! In the past couple of days I have been faced with the uncomfortable task of presenting information to people I care about who, I know, will not be happy about what they hear. It has to do with a departure, a moving, from one place to another. I have been horribly uncomfortable with the idea of it until I realized that my integrity and friendship with these wonderful friends meant more to me than any discomfort I was feeling. So, putting on my "big girl panties," I will get to my responsibility and honor these wonderful friends with my honesty and peaceful (understanding) acceptance of their responses.

My prayer for the past year and a half has been to be rooted in my integrity. To know what is right and to not allow myself the luxury of the chameleon. It is a mature approach to life that asks me to stand up and with the attitude of respect for all of life, simply be as honest as I can be, given any circumstance I face. It is so much easier to avoid or hide from the obvious but it is exhausting and steals from us our energy and eventually our health if we cannot be kindly honest and upfront with those we care about, or even those we do not find so compelling!! I am not speaking of opinion...I am speaking of disclosure. Admittedly, there are some things better left unsaid! But when life circumstances bring us passage or change, the news we deliver is received more by HOW we deliver it over WHAT.

We all, at some point in our lives, must accept the reactive opinion of others, even if it is hurtful. If what others perceive about our change dictates our willingness to change ourselves, we are left wanting for a life we are meant to live. We are all faced, at some point, with that uncomfortable "exit" interview...a boss, a lover, a spouse, a neighborhood, a club, a friend. Our personal life is like a book that is particular to us and it is not only our right to finish our own story, it is also our responsibility to do so. I finally came to the understanding that my decisions were for my soul, not to hurt another person or to dismantle someone's life. Perhaps an unyielding truth would be that we only honor another when we honor ourselves. If you are faced with a hard decision and even harder disclosure, I offer this as a point of reference. I wish for it to buoy your courage and your heart...

How's that voice of fear working for you?

If I mentioned the name "Wally Cox" to you, would you know who he was? If I said the name Martin Luther King to you, I am quite certain you would know who he was and his place in history. I don't think everyone is meant to be historically remembered by our global family. I mention these names to make a point...that unless a story is retold and retold, whether it be a person or an event or a wisdom, it becomes lost to those of us who live on. I believe that Truth is like that; that Self-Awareness and Mastery are like that. If the story of our personal Divinity is not told and retold, that too can be lost. I realized that is one of the reasons I began this forum...even if no one speaks up, it creates thought and therein all things are transformed.

So when I ask how your voice of fear is working for you, I want to challenge you as I have been challenged. Is your life working better by giving it the upper hand? Fear is a tough taskmaster. In its original form, it was meant as an intuition to help us avoid danger. Wandering about in a world of the wild when we lived with the wild was hazardous duty!! But it has developed into a phobia, a kind of mantra that chants to our subconscious and keeps us small. Like flour is the foundation of many breads and cakes, unknown or conscious fear is the foundation of many of our life's ills and limitations. It can sound like "You will never succeed at that." or it can sound like "All (men or women) are jerks." Judgments, resentments, assumptions, superiority...all these things are fear's agents.

I am paying attention to that voice when it comes up for me. It's sneaky little presence reminds me that I may still have some residual thought processes that are trying to keep me small, keep me victimized. I am grateful that irritating little tyrant cannot be quiet because it is helping me heal and disengage from its power. When I hear a voice that sounds like fear, I recognize it and gently dismiss it. It is not who I am. Marianne Willliamson tells us "there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so others will not feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the Glory or God that is within us." Most fear is the tether that keeps the eagle from flight. I say, cut its hold on you and be all you can be.

Finding your Devotion

I don't know about you, but I am pretty good at sniffing out something I want. If it is a certain kind of food, I can find the source (whether restaurant or grocery store); if it is a certain outfit, I usually find it even if it takes tired feet on the pavement or tired fingers on the keyboard; if I am hooked on seeing a movie or a play, I can find my way to it. Regardless of what it is "out there" I am usually capable of sniffing it out, like a bloodhound! Once I am on the trail, WATCH OUT!

BUT...Finding my passion, my devotion has been more challenging. It has been a life long pursuit. It is not that it changed all that much. It was more, for me, trying to figure out what to do with my passions, with my devotion. I am coming to the awareness that perhaps they are not the same and yet they are interlinked and intertwined so intricately, it is hard to at first distinguish which one is which. I get asked all the time, "how do I find my passion?" or "how do I know what my purpose is?" I only know one way to find out what it is, how to find it, or to figure out what to do with it once you know. It is not hard, but it is not easy. It is simple, yet the most complex thing we do.

The only way I know to marry your passion, your purpose with your life is to find a path for your devotion. For me, it has been a life-long pursuit of figuring out my relationship with God. What that means to me is different than it is for you. How to incorporate that devotion into my everyday life is probably unique to me as it is to everyone. I don't believe it comes necessarily from a church, but certainly religion can help someone discover their devotion. In truth, I believe that making that connection to devotion comes when you are silent and you find time to be with the idea of the magnificence of God...or the Universe...or whatever you call that endless miracle of life.

I wish for everyone to find that devotion within, to make that connection that is neither self-indulgent or self-important. It is the "find" that humbles you for what you do not know, makes you kinder and more loving for the struggles of humankind, whispers the answers when they are most needed, and carries your individual soul-print. I wish that "find" for everyone on the planet.

What you hear is not what is said ...

I am fortunate to have dear friends in my life and we often talk about how sometimes misunderstood we feel when we are having a difficult conversation with someone we love. It goes well beyond the concept of Venus and Mars or even language in general. If we thought in words or alphabet structure then I believe we would all understand each other. But we do not speak in any audible language, if truth were to be confronted and acknowledged. We hear in the hidden recesses of our thoughts; in "past" or "conditioning" or a thousand other experiences we have had in our life. All the clutter of any psychosis we carry around is simply a closet full of outgrown ideas or heartaches that we call our own and it is hard to forfeit that ownership. It is through those experiences that we hear each other. We hear from our fear and from our sometimes broken hearts that never mend.

I love to chef, cook in my kitchen. I follow recipes. When a recipe asks for pepper, I do not take it personally. I add pepper. I watch our pets. When our dogs miss a thrown ball, they do not get mad at me because I threw it wrong, they simply go and get the ball without judgment on themselves or on the thrower of the ball. They have fun! They bring it back to me so I can throw it again!!! But when someone I love expresses a thoughtful or insightful observation, I defend my right to do, say, or think the very thing that has elicited their insight. Misinterpretation or the need to be right has caused many wars, divorces, and the end of dear friendships.

There are some psychologists and philosophers that suggest that we become addicted to trauma and drama and if it is not in our lives we do not feel the life pulsating throughout our body. In yoga today I received a beautiful mantra..."gone...gone...beyond, beyond...awaken." What if the very thing that tips your scale into anger or defensiveness is the very life preserver needed to bring you to a safe harbor in your life? I so want to hear what people I love are saying to me; especially when they are saying it in an honest, kind and loving way. Maybe even when they are hurt and frustrated and the message is has a vinegar flavor!! They are, after all, the only truly clear mirror I have to my soul and my purpose.

Do You Rent or Own Your Life?

I have friends and family who have had rentals. Back in the early days of my life, I rented. I had to, I couldn't afford to own a home. The one thing I have learned about rentals is that people do not always take good care of their rental property. Rental properties get treated like they are incidental, as if they do not matter. Not always, but sometimes. My home is my castle, so as a renter I always treated it like my own. I cleaned it and decorated it and loved it. When I left any rental, I usually left it cleaner than when I first arrived. Not a pat on the back...just a fact.

I am sure you are wondering what renting v owning has to do with communication? Because I am always thinking in symbolic language, it dawned on me that sometimes in my life, I treated my life as if I was renting it, not owning it. It has such a different mentality, when you own your life. It makes a space to say what you mean and mean what you say. The perspective of the choices you make and the emotions emoted come from clarity when you own your life...at least for me it does. When I take ownership of my life, I treat it differently. I treat others differently. I invite people into my life, as I would my home, who will respect it and be thoughtful of it. I would never have someone in my home who put out their cigarette butts on my floor. So why would I let someone in my life who puts out psychic cigarettes on my heart or soul? And why, oh why, would I not treat another person's life with the same due respect?

When I own my life, I also take 100% responsibility for my life. The choices I make, the emotions I expose and share with others, how I learn my lessons...not just from my own mistakes but from observing another person's challenges. I am learning to dust off the good things, throw out the bad, and maybe throw in a little color here and there. A good book, an inspirational idea or thought, a belly laugh or the grace to appreciate the little things, and to know God. Owning my life allows me to add on to it, down size it, or even just paint it a different color or a shade of the same color. In a world that defines land ownership as the ultimate goal of life, owning your life seems to have so much more value!

The Translator

Friends and I were talking about the phenomena of technology and how it has becoming a primary communication link between people. That is not a bad thing necessarily; but sometimes it is perceived as impersonal and leaves "relationship" out of the picture. Relationship, according to Webster must first be understood through "relation" which means "an aspect or quality ...that can be predicated only of two or more things or parts taken together (connection); relationship is the state of being connected. To me, it seems it means "we are on the same ship together." Too often, in technology, it is a one-man-ship. With technology, I get to express my views without your input. You get to interpret my expression according to your own translator.

Communication is so critical. When we are with another person, we do not only communicate with our words, but with your eyes, our body language, our emotions. In an email, or a posting, it is difficult for anyone to express that completely. Even when I write here, it is my opinion and I have no idea how anyone will take in my ideas. Admittedly, we all get to choose how we respond or react. It is my goal to inspire something, to awaken something. Never to offend. But I have no control over your personal internal translator. What you read and what you might hear are two very different things.

I only know that when I met my personal internal translator, I was shocked at how that part of myself was translating another person's communication to me. My translator was goofy at times...like, "Doesn't that person driving slowly know I am late, how rude!!" to hurtful...interpreting to me personal messages about my value or how I saw myself. Until I met my own interpreter, I really did not know myself. Some things said or read pierced my heart when they were never intended to do so. I am learning, day by day, to watch my own life like a movie, and then to try and respond. To straighten out my interpreter or maybe even pull out the duct tape and seal her mouth for all time! I am hopeful that my awareness will help me. When someone speaks Greek to me,  I do not wish to respond  in Mandarin!

Turn Signals

I was driving down the road yesterday and a car in front of me had their right blinker light on. For miles. At first, I always pay attention to the signals of cars. Then I look at the car's "body" language. I was trying to decide if I should stay out of the next lane, or determine exactly the person's intention. In time, I realized that the driver did not even know it was on.

I began asking myself "What signal have I turned on that I have forgotten is on?" I think that we do that often in our lives. We get into our day, running on auto pilot, and have forgotten that we are signaling to others that we want to go in a direction other than the direction we intend. Our grandmothers told us we needed to pay attention. Not such bad advice. Spiritual teachers try to teach us mindfulness...presence. Being in touch with your daily activity.

Sometimes the signals come from our past conditioning; sometimes those forgotten turn signals come from a betrayal or a disappointment; sometimes they come from our ego's need for attention. Yesterday, it was not until the driver decided to turn left that her signal changed. I realized that how other drivers treated her was based upon her right turn signal, not the fact she was driving in her lane mindlessly. It reminded me to pay attention to the signals I was giving to others. After living through many dramas in my own life, I would prefer that my personal signal to my friends, my family, my loved ones, be one that signals peace, love and acceptance. Checking my turn signals today, on and off the road!!!

Our Mourning Hearts

Have you ever tried to divide a coin down the middle? I mean, cut it so there is only a head side to the coin and a tail side? I know that is a stupid question to ask. Even if we accomplished the feat, there would still be two sides to the coin. You cannot have a coin without two sides, no matter how hard you try. If there was ever a description of life, I don't know what else could be better!!

I think of all the times I thought that life was supposed to be painless or perfect. That the disappointment that came my way...or the heartache or sadness, or loss, or pain...was somehow a fluke or a bad joke being played on me. We have a particularly myopic view of life in the Western world. If you tend to be an optimist, maybe you think that bad things never should happen. If you are a pessimist, then you believe that only bad things happen. The Truth...not the little "t" truth but the big "T" truth, is that life is a full, whole complete coin. Even if you try to cut it in half to eliminate one side, it simply cannot be done.

Buddhists have a beautiful expression that goes something like this: "In order to to live fully we must first learn how to die." (Please forgive me my Buddhist friends if I have misquoted this!) But in essence, the idea is to accept impermanence and embrace life for all its foibles and joys. I spent a great deal of my life pushing  my pain away or trying to control my circumstances so I could avoid pain. It never served me. In fact, it dropped me, head first, into the boiling oil of what I was trying to avoid. If your voice mourns half of your life, then think of all the life you have not lived. Every day is a gift...that is why they call it the present. I  hope you wake up tomorrow and open your gift and love every part of it!

The Voice of Blame

I had the honor and the gift of being mentored by a wonderful minister when I was in my early 20's. He taught me as much about how to live my life as anyone ever has. Reverend Stevens was an angel sent to me at a time when I needed someone to give me a playbook for how to live my life. One of the most important things he ever said to me was "for every finger I pointed at someone else, there were three fingers pointing back to me."

Jim Rohn said "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." Taking 100% responsibility for our life can be challenging and complex. It does mean giving up the idea of being a victim and taking responsibility for how we respond to any given moment or event. The outside world can be chaotic and uncertain. But taking 100% responsibility for ourselves can root and ground us. It gives us an inner strength to weather the uncertain, even the unexpected tragedies. Accepting this creed pushed me to hard questions, like "...did I ever cast blame on someone else for my behavior or reaction to any given event or in any given moment?" The truthful answer was "of course I did."

Blame is a crutch I used to lean upon. Sometimes it was used against me, other times I used it against others. It was easy to recognize once I paid attention because it felt awful. My gut churned and twisted, like I had eaten a bad meal. My inner voice sounded something like, "If you would just (stop doing ..., being  ...., acting .... snoring) then I would not (be jealous, get angry) or I would  (listen, show up) or...the most egregious of all, "I would be happy."  I soon began to realize that 1) I do not have to be the excuse for someone's inability to take 100% responsibility for their life; 2) that I did not have the power to make anyone do anything and 3) no one was to blame for my choices, regardless of the landscape! That would include positive and negative ones. All I can do is be 100% responsible and in that Divine space, be an example of how I wish people to treat me.

If you can, pull all your fingers back into your palm. Perhaps fold them in a prayer request, asking for guidance. And then listen to the whisper. Your gut will lead you into your own mastery.

Grace

Webster defines grace as kindness, favor, mercy, pardon; a special favor; reprieve. Years ago I listened to a lecture that suggested that grace was one of the essential tools everyone needed to put into their toolbox for life. Another word for grace might be allowance. I feel the best word for grace is space. Sometimes, walking through our life without grace can feel like a crowded New York City street at rush hour. Our expectations and fears and/or "what if's" can crowd the common sense right out of us.

Let's play the "what if" game from another angle! What if, by giving yourself some grace, you felt less disappointment? What if, by giving yourself only 10% grace in your life, you could live more at peace and feel happier. What if that 10% you give yourself allowed your voice to be clear and concise? Need some examples...I share what the person offered to her audience: The item you bought on sale might be found for 10% less someplace else. The traffic might be 10% worse than you thought. The scissors you put away in the drawer where they usually are found may have a 10% chance of not being there...especially if you live with someone else. The result you wanted has a 10% chance that it will not turn out quite the way you had it shaped in your mind.

Abe Lincoln said we are about as happy as we make up our minds to be. I always felt a little challenged with his idea ... and sometimes still feel challenged. The truth of the matter is that grace can lead us to that peaceful island Abe held us responsible to find. I have learned that nothing comes out exactly as I painted it in my mind. Sometimes it is not as good, but most times it is better if I allow the moment to have its own wings. The truth is, meals can burn, cars can be lemons, people can disappoint. The other happy truth is that the meal can be fabulous, the car can last for 15 years, and anyone can become a better friend or lover than expected. Pushing away what you think it must be and embracing life, moment by moment for what it is, is the stuff of which grace is made. I wish grace for all of us. It can only make the world be a better place to live.

Wine and Cheese or Whine and Cheez

I had this extraordinary privilege to be tossed into the sea of life early, often times feeling that I had certainly lost my life preserver in the vast ocean of experiences. Someone, always, rowed up next to me and offered me a hand into their boat. Sometimes I stubbornly refused the offering and preferred to drown in my own mess while other times I willingly and gratefully reached for the hand and allowed their influence to pull me out of the sea of depression I was sinking into.

I have long been one of those people who wanted to believe at all times the glass was half full, even when everything before me suggested the flippin glass was empty!! Denial is a great tool, but even denial made from steel could not keep me away from the other kind of whine and cheez I often sat and dined upon. I think that being human has many subtle traps that pull us away from celebration. It is not that celebration is not available because we all celebrate when we are happy and content. It is the ability to celebrate our lives in spite of the challenging things that come along.

I have learned that even in the saddest and most devastating times of my life, when I can revisit or commit to celebrating the goodness that might be contained in that moment, I can effectively affect change and transformation...if only for myself. But it seems when I am different, others respond differently to me. An old Santiz Indian proverb says "I had no shoes and complained until I met a man who had no feet." The true path to peace is to set and dine each day of your life in celebration with the wine and cheese of your life, even if it is the box variety!! Which is your pleasure, red or white?

Hopeful or Hopeless

Regardless of your state of mind, it comes through when we have a conversation with someone. I remember years ago being a young, struggling single mother. I was full of hope for us and at the same time, had moments of singularly soul trembling concern for my ability to provide care for my son or create a future that held promise for him. I was fortunate at the time to be part of a community that was teaching me to believe more in my greatness than my fear. But so often, my fear came through when I would approach my daily life. My fear also came through via my often times lack of patience, which in turn became directed toward my sweet son.

While history cannot be undone, it can be rewritten. I think back on the young and inexperienced mother I was and I realize that while my voice often betrayed my inner fear, there was something greater at work in my life. It seems like many lifetimes since I was that young mother, but the wisdom and insight gained have become the gem stones and corner stones of my life now as a mature woman.

I think we all feel hopeless at times. I think we are all susceptible to being so deep in the forest that we cannot see a path out. The path will appear, like magic, if we can drink from the well of hope. Hopefulness and belief in the greater part of you will carry you through and out of the forest. It carried me. This is not a Pollyanna approach but a deep belief in the purposefulness of your life. Your voice will change when you seek out and find that purposefulness. It will be convicted, and strong, and you will do things and conquer circumstances that will surprise you. Give yourself that sweet gift of life...the gift of personal surprise!!

Your voice can betray what you believe

One of the most beautiful conversations I have ever had with someone I love and care for happened when they were honest and told me, straight up, that my expressed concern was being interpreted as a lack of faith in them. I was asked to believe more in their strength than in their challenge. I was asked to trust that they had the right tools to do the right thing for themselves. In that moment, I realized that sometimes my faith just needs to be a little stronger, a little more rooted so that it can shadow and shrink my fears. My "concern" was interpreted correctly and I was grateful to be called out on what I had said.

Spring is a time when light begins to last longer than darkness. Things that were hidden underground to survive the cold of winter begin to push into the light. Some animals come out of hibernation during this time. An event can be like Spring, regardless of the time of year. Our voice can expose, when brought into the light, some things about us that can bring wisdom to our circumstances. I know when something that has been hidden within me appears through something I say aloud, I am caught off guard and sometimes ignore what has been exposed. Embarrassed, uncertain...coming into the light can be blinding and uncomfortable. But it can also be liberating!!

I look around at the hills that surround my community, at the flowers that are blooming and the limbs of the trees that are filling in with green and I realize that everything is better in the light. Darkness has its purpose, as do all things under heaven, but light gives us the gift of seeing things for what they are. In this time of transformation, in this Spring time, my Easter wish for everyone is to be transformed in some way. Don't shy away from what might be hidden. Give yourself and your voice permission to come into the light. Like a daffodil, you just might like what therein blooms!!

What do you say when...

Ever been lost for words? There are so many ways that we can find ourselves silenced by an experience or a situation. It can come from being shocked, or flabbergasted (as my grandmother used to say) by maybe we can find nothing appropriate to say in the ridiculousness of a situation. Then there are the times when we are in shock. Other times, facing someone's loss or their sorrow can be silencing. Words are so limited when we are expressing an emotion. It can seem like a difficult and painful task to try and pull from the alphabet something that makes sense.

I have this great saying over my desk. I found it (or it found me) at a time in my life when I was trying to convince or defend or talk my way out and/or through situations. It was a time in my life when I was learning the true value of silence and reflection. It simply says, "A silent voice is sweet to hear."

Tonight our daughter told me how she has been learning to use body language to communicate with horses, Horse Whisperer style. The horse, in this way, learns to trust the person and develops a relationship with her. Silence can be uncomfortable but when given a situation where words seem inadequate or simply inane, perhaps silence says more and is sweeter than any string of the alphabet we might put together. Like my daughter with the horse, simply being there can say so much more. This is different from "the silent treatment" which can be abusive and deafening. I am talking about compassionate silence, just being with a person in their moment. I am still learning to do that but when I do, the gift of it is so sweet!

Spring Has Sprung

Have you ever wondered why you hold back saying something that might be valuable or insightful? I am not speaking about your opinion. Some opinion is better left unsaid! I am talking about that one response that you hold onto when the response you keep bottled up might create intimacy and clarity for another person? It might, just might, bring peace to your life! My husband and I were talking about this at breakfast yesterday and really had no answer what often stops us. Maybe pride, maybe ego, maybe fear???

The calendar rolled out spring for us just a few days ago. For some of us who live in sunny climates, spring means flowers on our hillside and green foothills. For some, it is the first thaw and breezy days. Spring is a time of renewal and new growth. It is a time of the season to let the seeds of new ideas and ways of being spring forth. Those who celebrate Easter celebrate the Resurrection; those who farm prepare to care for their harvest. Spring is a time to come out of darkness and tender the new ideas, the new voice that might be forming. A great question I ask myself  is "Am I choking out the good in my life by repressing the compassionate or positive voice that longs to be heard?"

Someone said there is no stopping an idea whose time has come. If you have been planting seeds within your mighty soul, and during this amazing time of year...this time of renewal...you realize it, then tender those seeds well! Water them with your Spirit, weed them with your wisdom, prune them with discretion, give them light so they can thrive, shelter them from attack (I have heard a good bug spray will discourage many a skeptic!!), and praise them daily. Gardeners and mothers have mutual wisdom...they know that the young must be cared for tenderly to become strong, rooted, and independent. I celebrate that inner wisdom with everyone, knowing your positive voice will be revealed and your life will be lived abundantly!

Your Dreams and Your Voice

Do you remember what it was like to be a child? Some of my sweetest memories were of lying on the grass on a summer day and finding shapes in the clouds. I called it "cloud art." The smell of fresh cut grass was the sure sign that the snow was gone and that spring had come, with summer on its heals. To this day, I absolutely love the smell of fresh cut grass...and fortunately I have no allergies to take me from that pleasure.

Sometimes, our voice can be like an allergen, taking us away from our pleasures. One of the most challenging things for me to do is to quiet that allergy ridden voice when I am imagining the life I want to live. I used to imagine the goal and crossing the finish line. I still have my goals and my dreams that I imagine for myself. But more and more, it is the daily life I imagine I want to live that has gained in value. The surprise package is that the more I hold to the image of what I want my daily life to look like, the closer my goals and dreams become.


Einstein said that imagination is more important than knowledge. Sometimes what we "know" is the allergen to our own imagination. We have this powerful, creative ability that works in our lives every single day. It is called our thoughts. If the ambassador to your thoughts is undermining your imagination, then you can be certain that voice comes from what you know, from your history. It is quite different from Knowing, the kind of knowing that is a deep seeded certainty you can accomplish anything you decide you want to accomplish.  The problem is, when we listen to that voice from our past, we repeat our experiences and it smothers the voice of imagination. I am here to tell you, what the voice of your imagination has to say is infinitely more important!

Do You Ask Permission or Forgiveness?

This is an important question to ask, not just of yourself but of others. There is, from my experience, a Grand Canyon difference between the two concepts, even though at times the results are small and insignificant. As I have worked to patch up misunderstandings in my relationships, this is a concept that I have had to reconfigure again and again in my life. Sometimes, an executive decision must be made and there is no time for discussion. However, the permission I am speaking about is the permission to be on the dance floor of life with another, whether that person is a friend, neighbor, a partner, a child, mother, father, sister or brother. It is learning to honor the dignity of another person.


I am wondering if others have confronted this concept? Our voice is our calling card and it tells others whether or not to respect us, to believe in us, to regard us seriously or dismissively. I do know there are times forgiveness can seem the simpler thing to aim for. But given the propensity for many of us to be challenged with the practice of forgiveness, it just seems to be a gamble and usually the odds are not in our favor. Asking for forgiveness in lieu of permission basically is saying, "I don't care what the consequences are, I am going to do this anyway."

Maybe it would be a good thing to spend a day asking for permission. May I borrow this item? May I plan a weekend for us away? Do you mind if I spend a night out with my friends? Should we spend the money on this item (that I just have to have)? Do you mind...? Do you care...? Do you think...? May I ...? I would love to hear your feedback on this concept. While I do know there are no absolutes and everything, in most cases is by degree, I would love to know if you practice one more than the other and then to know your outcome or success. What does your voice vote on?